How Movies Lie About Relationships

When I was an awkward teenage girl, I was addicted to "rom-coms," aka romantic comedies. They showed dating as so much fun! First you'd meet a drop-dead gorgeous guy who saw past your shy exterior and asked you out on a date. Then you'd spend all day and night laughing and drinking wine at fancy restaurants with perfect outfits while you stared into each others eyes. Flash forward to a few dates later with passionate kissing, love-making and breakfast in bed.
It all seemed so carefree and exciting. But it also was (and is) a fantasy. When I actually began dating for real, I realized that all the rom-com movies I had watched had brainwashed me into thinking that relationships were all about champagne and looking good. The reality is a lot messier. But also deeper and more beautiful. To help out all of those out there still struggling with finding "The One" (another lie), I've compiled a list of ways movies/books/media tricks us into falling for the fantasy.

1. No one makes out at 6am before brushing their teeth or using the restroom. Morning breath is real and unfortunately gross for everyone.

2. People usually take turns paying after the relationship has turned to "exclusive" status. Sorry ladies, but expecting him to pay 100% is just not fair. It's 2016, not 1950.

3. Real couples fight, talk about it (aka healthy communication), and then make-up. They usually don't fight and then either have passionate make-up sex or break up for good without ever talking about the problem.

4. People have body odor, pit stains, lipstick on their teeth, dandruff, dry skin, stains on their clothes, and a million other body-related normal things. Actors and actresses have a team of 100 people to make sure they look perfect before they go on-screen. The rest of us are bound to have embarrassing things happen to us on a date.

5. Women have periods. And have to pee a lot usually too. So do men! And they fart and stink up the bathroom as well. Let's face it, life is messy and gross sometimes.

6. Romantic comedies almost always have a happy ending. In real life, the majority of our romantic relationships will end. But all of those failed relationships teach us how to act, what we like (and don't), and above all, make us really appreciate when we do find a good match.

7. Real people are not plastic-surgery perfected supermodels. Real people have curves, rolls, body hair, cellulite, stretch marks, moles, and all sorts of 'blemishes.' Letting go of that search for the most handsome man or most beautiful woman is all part of realizing the superficial fantasy is standing in your way of finding someone you can actually laugh with and are attracted to.

8. Unlike "The Bachelor," in relationships people talk about practical things and their dreams. Sometimes you'll have a 20-minute conversation with your wife about what diapers are the best brand to buy or whose turn it is to do the dishes. Other times you'll cry together about your dad who passed away or the time you lost your beloved family pet. Movies and TV show us pretty people who spend that time gazing into each others eyes and talking about how much they both LOVE kittens and Mexican food- wow a perfect match! (insert sarcasm here) No wonder those 'relationships' end after the 6-week contract minimum, or after the credits end.

This list could go on and on, but what I want to pass on is something I wish I had learned when I was that lonely, date-less 16-year old: real people have faults and that's okay. It's even a good thing! I love laughing at how my husband and I both would rather watch Netflix and eat leftovers than go out. I love his so-called flaws, because they make mine okay too. Acceptance is what is real love is about, not perfection. And that's much better than a perfect Hollywood ending.

How Learning Appreciation Will Change Your Life

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I had a difficult time with hearing constructive criticism from some of my clients. Driving home, I was pissed. Not only is it hard for me to hear anything negative, but it's especially hard when you feel like you did your best and it still wasn't good enough. I wanted to drown my feelings in a pint of Ben and Jerry's and vent to my husband for a half hour.

But on my irritated drive home, while I was muttering to myself in the car, I looked over and what I saw completely changed my outlook. There was a man on the sidewalk in a wheelchair, barely getting by. He obviously had a rougher day than me, and likely a much harder life. I didn't feel pity for him, but instead saw the truth of the situation. And the reality of my life hit me like a ton of bricks. Here I was, bitching about getting "less than glowing" comments (that are probably true, which is why I was so triggered by them), and this man cannot even walk. Really? I can't complain about 20 minutes of criticism when I have so much to be grateful for.

I think we all can relate to having a bad day and many of us have experienced not-so-positive feedback from our bosses, colleagues, or for my therapist friends out there, our clients. It sucks to hear that stuff. But let's be real, we live in America, many of us have shelter, a job, food, use of our limbs, and a full life of friends and family. We don't really have that much to complain about compared to millions (actually probably more like billions) of humans that get by on so much less, and are happy! Perspective is everything.

The point is that true growth is hard. It hurts our egos to hear what we need to improve on. But if we take our pride out of the equation and look at the bigger picture, it's clear that there are always things to feel grateful for. That perspective will save you a whole lot of anger. Instead of ruminating on things that go wrong, learn from what you did or didn't do, and move on. Open your eyes to the fact that life isn't always easy or beautiful, but looking it at with negativity will only keep you bitter and stuck. Who wants to live like that?

So today is a new day and I have let go of the anger I felt by being confronted with some hard truths by my clients. I want to thank the universe for showing me that I have a million things to feel appreciative for, and so do you. No matter what goes wrong (death, illness, loss, pain), there is always something to feel grateful for. Even the little things like the smell of your morning coffee, the way your dog looks at you with undying devotion, or getting a text from your best friend. Those are the moments we tend to overlook but also make life so sweet.

It may take some reaching at times when you feel so low that you feel you will never smile again. But that appreciation will change your life. Make it a daily practice to remind yourself of what you feel grateful for. I do it before I go to bed, as I'm saying my prayers. You can do it on your drive to work or maybe while you brush your teeth. For the couples out there, it can be incredibly bonding to share what you appreciate about each other.

Of course there will be times when we all will get angry or defensive. That's okay! After you give yourself time to be mad, look around you. Look at the bigger picture. It's amazing how that frustration will lessen if you simply appreciate other parts of your life.

Five Essential Self-Care Strategies To Keep You Healthy and Out of Therapy!

In my work as a mental health therapist, the overall goal is to stop seeing my clients. That may sound weird but I don't want my clients to have to see me. I want them to learn how to be happy and healthy on their own. In addition to helping clients process buried trauma and resolve problems such as depression and anxiety, my job is to teach them the daily living skills that they can practice to keep them off my couch.

To that end, there are five major areas that I notice clients tend to neglect the most: sleep, food, exercise, friends and hobbies. Below I will briefly explain how if you just take the time to nurture these parts of your life, not only will you have a lesser chance of experiencing depression and anxiety, but studies have shown you'll live longer and will report increased happiness as well.

1. Sleep. We all need to sleep. The amount varies based on your body, but get to know the amount of hours you need to sleep to feel your best. Then try hard to meet that number on a nightly basis. It may mean turning off the Netflix an hour earlier, but it will pay off in increased health and well-being.
We all are crankier, less productive and more likely to eat junk when we are sleep-deprived. Who wants to live like that?

2. Food. This is hard because we can all easily eat our feelings. Plus, with our busy lives, fast food is just easier (and sometimes cheaper) than meal-prepping every night for 2 hours. But if you eat crap on a consistent basis you will not only feel gross, your body will show the damage as well. Food can either be the quickest form of medicine or the slowest form of poison. Notice how you feel after a healthy lunch (awake, energized) versus how you feel after a greasy burger (tired, bogged down).

3. Exercise. Move you body on a daily basis. Walking counts! Most of us spend how many hours either sitting at a desk or in traffic (or both)? That sedentary lifestyle not only degrades your body, but it has lasting effects on your mood too. Daily exercise (in any form that you semi-like) is crucial to keeping depression and anxiety at bay. Plus it helps you look good too, which affects your self-esteem in a positive way.

4. Friends. No man is an island. We all need friends to connect with. Introverts, extroverts, it doesn't matter. Especially if you are not in a relationship (but even if you are), you need people to talk to, vent to, laugh with. Friends pick us up when we are down and accept us for who we are. Life is lonely without people to do things with.

5. Hobbies. Like the great Jack Nicholson once said in The Shining, 'All work and no play make Jack a dull boy!' Life is not all about work. We all need to have fun and do the things we used to do when we were kids and didn't HAVE to work to survive. What did you used to do as a kid? Baseball, art, writing? When was the last time you did that? Hobbies keep us young and make life worth living. Don't use the old "I don't have time" excuse. Do you have time to watch TV? Go on Facebook? Then you have time to do something you love.

This list is short but it really is important. So you don't have to pay me (or anyone else) for therapy, practice these 5 strategies on a daily basis to keep the blues at bay. When you take care of yourself, your mind and body will repay you.

When You Didn't Grow Up With The Brady Bunch: How Childhood Abuse Affects Your Life and What to Do About It

While that title is a mouthful, there is so much more to say about childhood abuse. It's like the silent disease millions have but no one ever talks about. Many of us don't think we were "abused." When that word comes to mind, people think of being beaten with a belt or not given food or shelter. But abuse comes in many forms. In my work as a therapist, the most common form I see is neglect. Neglect means not caring for a person's needs. In the case of a child, it references not showing adequate love, withholding physical touch, or even simply often not being physically around. If you have memories of being alone often or not ever feeling like your mom or dad was a 'safe' person to talk to because you knew you weren't going to get the support you needed, you possibly were neglected.

Besides neglect, the broad categories of abuse are physical, emotional, and sexual. Examples include hitting (physical), name-calling/criticism (emotional), and molesting or inappropriate sexual behavior (sexual). Any and all childhood abuse is awful and can leave deep scars, both mentally and on the skin.

So why even bring childhood abuse up? It's in the past, we should all just move on, right? Well that's easier said than done. The lasting effects of being neglected, hit, molested or yelled at as an infant, toddler, adolescent or teen are incredibly immense. Human beings as a species tend to stay with what feels comfortable to them. So if you grow up in an environment that was filled with chaos and uncertainty, that is what you will seek as an adult. That feels 'normal' to you. And that is what you will be drawn to as far as your relationships go; both romantically and friendship-wise. That is why it is crucial to lift the secrecy off of childhood abuse and TALK about it. If you don't free yourself of those negative patterns by examining what needs you didn't get met as child, then every relationship you have as an adult will be you recreating that trauma and abuse. You will unconsciously seek to 'fix' that hole inside you by entering into very similar relationships as the ones you grew up with. 

People often repeat this pattern over and over again, until they resolve that inner conflict and address their underlying pain. Or they turn the turmoil on themselves and their self-esteem is minuscule because their abuse taught them they are worthless, dirty, or of no value. Self-medication and numbing behaviors often follow, such as obsessive TV-watching, overeating, sexual compulsivity, workaholism, and alcohol or drug abuse.

So how does childhood abuse get "solved?" Well for one thing, it doesn't. No one can ever take away that pain completely. And given the chance, while abuse often does create strengths in survivors, I can bet money on the fact that no one would wish their abuse to happen to them (or anyone else, for that matter). But there is a process that you can go through (hopefully with the help of an experienced therapist), that will help you heal and finally end whatever self-destructive cycle you have created to cope with childhood abuse.

1. Acknowledging the abuse: This is simply admitting it happened and talking about it. You are not crazy or a liar. You have a right to speak your truth to whomever you feel is safe to share it with. A therapist, friend, partner, priest. Whomever you feel you can trust to bear witness to your story.
2. Look at the effects of the abuse and how you coped: This is examining what behaviors you have developed as reaction to being abused. For example, staying busy all the time or care taking to others are common reactions to not desiring to focus on yourself and your own pain. These qualities can be strengths because everyone needs to take a break from life every once and awhile, but once they take over your life and become ingrained into your personality, there's a problem. Usually these behaviors are what you would like to change and are what led you to seek therapy.
3. Address your feelings about the abuse: Much like the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance), healing from childhood abuse is a process that will elicit many feelings. We often deny the abuse happened and push it far down to 'forget,' then get angry when we realize it really did happen to us, try to reason our way out of admitting that it affected our lives, feel crushing sadness when we make the connection that the ones who were supposed to take care of us (adults, parents, caregivers) were the ones who hurt us the most, and finally accept that what happened to us was really shitty but we no longer have to re-create that trauma because we have placed it where it belongs: in the past.
4. Understand it wasn't your fault and begin the long-term healing process: This last step is lengthy because it involves changing those internalized messages that you have taught yourself to believe your entire life. Maybe it's "My only value is in my appearance," or "I don't deserve to ask for what I want." That re-parenting is crucial because you cannot continue to live your life as a wounded child. Why? Because that pain does not go away. You can stuff it down, numb it with alcohol, or stay so busy that you do not have time to think let alone cry, but the unmet need will come out in one way or another. 

The positive of all this work is that after you face the trauma(s) and accept them, you can begin to see your value since you no longer are living as a victim of someone else's rage. Realizing you are beautiful, strong, capable and worthy of love is the gift of recovery. As is becoming the person you were meant to be before your persecutor robbed you of the gifts you were meant to share with the world. That lingering depression and anxiety can lift. The constant need to drink can go away. And that uncomfortable feeling around the opposite sex can disappear. It all revolves around truly facing that dark, hidden truth of childhood abuse. If you have a weird feeling or even strong memories of being abused, then it happened to you too. You are not alone. You do not need to continue to "just get by" or re-create the trauma with each abusive relationship you find yourself sucked into.

No one grew up with "The Brady Bunch" family. It just doesn't exist because it's a TV fantasy. But there are very healthy families. I truly hope you found yourself in one of them. But if you did not, you are not ruined. You simply were faced with challenges that those lucky healthy people did not have to endure. You cannot ever change the past, but you can change how you continue to react to it.

Take the power back from those who hurt you. Face the past, work through the pain, and move on with you life. Recognize that pain can create greatness and learn to love the survivor that you are. Love yourself first and give yourself the care, attention and kindness that you did not receive as a child. We may never be able to forget, but we can learn to let go. 

Depression Sucks: Why it Strikes and How to Move Past It

There are very few people I've met in both my professional and personal life who have never gotten a case of the blues, aka felt depressed. I'm not talking about a moment or two of sadness when your favorite restaurant goes out of business or you lose your wallet. No, clinical depression is different. For those who have experienced it, you know how it feels. It's like a dark fog covers your world, making everything seem bland, dull, and joyless. It can range from this persistent apathetic feeling to barely being able to get out of bed in the morning. Usually you lose your appetite or eat far too much, isolate yourself from others, and struggle to do basic things in life because nothing seems to bring any relief from the awful feeling you just can't shake off.

I have worked with many clients whose depression is triggered by an event. It's like there's a switch that flips. One moment, they are feeling pretty good, life is plugging along nicely. Then something bad happens, such as a job loss, breakup or illness, and it hits them like a ton of bricks. Life changes overnight. The severity of the depression depends on many factors: simple genetics, how resilient one is, or how good one's support system is in helping, to name a few. Some people need to go to therapy to work through their feelings of grief and loss and others even need medication to correct a possible chemical imbalance in their brains. The treatment really depends on the person. Usually a treatment professional (therapist, psychologist, doctor) is needed to help you if the depression lasts longer than a couple weeks.

Bereavement is a different process. You need to be sad and mourn the loss of whomever was special in your life that died. It's actually not healthy to keep getting up every day feeling amazing, because likely you're not really connecting to your sadness and burying the emotion. Allow yourself to grieve, and go to therapy to process the loss.

Personally, I have had several bouts of depression in my life and I have found a few ways of dealing with it without using medications, however my case was not a chemical imbalance. Usually the difference is that those with situational depression can change their outlook or process past traumas in their life and eventually find relief, whereas those with a medical issue are more severe and do need a drug, such as an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor), to boost the serotonin in their brain and help them feel better.

I have discovered through my own trial and error and with my clients, a few methods for treating depression so you can get back to living your life. Depression sucks! It's debilitating and makes everything you used to love seem just "eh." Remember that every feeling fades, so it will pass eventually. You can help yourself by not passively waiting to feel better. Actively trying to improve things for yourself so the sun shines again is possible and more effective. See a few ways that have helped me and my clients below:

1. Change your outlook by  making a "Gratitude List." Put down everything you feel grateful for that you have and likely others don't. Even the little things count (my favorite bowl of Frosted Flakes every morning, my legs to walk me places, a place to live, etc).

2. Do something for others. I once volunteered at a homeless shelter when I was feeling pretty down on myself. Man did it change my outlook. Suddenly I saw that my problems were pretty insignificant and I could actually DO something about them. I wasn't hopeless anymore. It also helps improve your self-esteem because you're helping others and that always feels good.

3. Force yourself (if you can) to do things. This seems corny, but the old favorite natural methods for treating depression are classics because they work. Exercise, sunlight, and time with friends all do wonders for helping you feel healthier and less alone. Even getting an animal companion is a natural method of improving depression. It helps with the isolated feeling and gives you a purpose because you have to care for this living thing. Not all of those with depression can do these things, but if you can force yourself to do at least one, chances are you'll feel a least a little better.

4. Go to therapy to talk about what's making you feel so depressed! This may seem like a no-brainer,  but many people (formally myself, I used to think therapy was silly), have a negative connotation when it comes to therapy. People often think going to therapy is only for "crazy" people or it somehow means they can't handle things by themselves and are "weak." Not true. Therapy is like Neosporin. Yes, you could heal that cut on your own, but it'll leave a darker, deeper scar without using Neosporin to help it heal in the cleanest, heathiest way possible.

Hope this helps all of you out there who have ever felt the terrible darkness of depression. Know you are not alone, and there is hope and help out there. You will laugh again. Eventually you'll stop crying. You will be okay.

Why Potato Chips Are a Metaphor For Life

There is nothing like a greasy, salty, delicious bag of crunchy potato chips. Once you start eating, there is no way to stop a just one chip. But after you devour half a bag or so, you feel gross. The craving is satisfied but you are left with slimy hands and a pit in your stomach.

This is a metaphor for so many things in life. Especially things that are not good for your soul. What you expose your mind and your body to envelopes your life. If you feed your mind with knowledge, it will grow. If you nourish your body with healthy food, it too will thrive. And if you take time to nurture your spirit, peace will find its way into your world.

So why does this seem easier said than done? Because it can be near impossible to stop at one chip. Or end an emotionally lacking relationship that has intense passion. Or make yourself go for a walk when your body is begging you to stay in bed. Or read a book when there's a Modern Family marathon on TV. Point being, if you fill your life (and body and soul), with trash and empty calories, you will not grow. (at least, not in the good way)

No one is perfect. Sometimes all you need is a potato chip binge. From time to time, that can be good for your soul. But not if you find yourself constantly going to that same old bag of chips, day after day. And not if you use those chips to avoid feeling lonely or depressed. And not if you wake up with regret the next day. Any habit that drains you and doesn't help you is not a good habit to have.

Taking care of yourself sometimes means putting down the remote and going for a walk. Or choosing to go out with a friend instead of staying at home by yourself. Or even ending that relationship you know deep inside isn't going anywhere.

Next time that shiny chip bag calls your name, remember this: they will never fill you up, never leave you satisfied. You will constantly be hungry if you don't give your body, mind and soul, the high quality nourishment you need and ultimately deserve.

Top 3 Reasons Why Friendships Save Your Relationship

I once saw a client who would get furious when her husband left her on the weekends to hang out with his buddies. I could empathize with her because of her natural feelings of loneliness and fear. She struggled with not feeling like a priority when her partner chose beer and his buddies over quality time with her. While I don't advocate spending every weekend with your friends due to the obvious hurt it causes your partner, there is something very special and necessary about friend time in a marriage, or any relationship really. Here are 3 reasons why it's important for you to have time with your friends apart from your partner:

1. Girl talk and guy talk are two very different (and necessary) things. They don't want to talk about "The Bachelor" and we don't want to listen to them argue over sports. Yes, I am being highly stereotypical (and heteronormative), of course there are women who love sports and men who love reality TV, but I am speaking in general here. There are some topics best discussed between women, away from men's ears. And there are some things that men talk about that women cannot relate to simply because they are not men! For same-sex couples, there may be a gender difference in regards to friends, but the message is the same: friends are needed to share things that perhaps your spouse isn't interested in, be in hunting, gardening, painting, Game of Thrones....whatever!

2. Being apart makes love grow stronger. When you are home and she is out with her girlfriends, there's a nostalgia that builds. You both experience what it's like to be alone and if it's the right relationship, after awhile you miss each other. Especially if you're hit on by a creepy guy or spend the night listening to your single friends bemoan the dating scene. Suddenly you see your same-old, perhaps taken-for-granted spouse, in a whole new light.

3. You get relationship advice. Whether you're getting coffee with your girlfriend who's been married 10+ years or dinner with your buddy from college who vows to never settle down, they offer a different perspective on whatever issues, good or bad, that you are currently dealing with in your relationship. Friends offer hugs when you share you're pregnant, smiles when you laugh over messy spouses, and empathy when you are recovering from a bad fight.

Friends also offer a different kind of support than your partner, no matter how wonderful they are. While double dates and mutual/couple friends are also an important part of growing a life together, there is something to be said about spending the day with that one friend who knew you before you were a "we." For both men and women, that's a special thing. Don't take that away from each other. Balance "we" time, alone time, friend time and family time. Because too much of anything is not a good thing, even with the person you love.

Taking Turns: How Equality in a Relationship Shifts

Can you relate to being a kid and screaming, "But it's not fair!" when you didn't get your way? And your mom would predictably let you know that, "Life is not fair." As much as you couldn't understand it then, mom was right. Life often is not fair and that's a hard pill to swallow as a child when we learn for the first time how to cope with inevitable disappointments from parents, friends and teachers.

What about relationships? Are they fair? Not always. In my work with couples this issue comes up often. One person will feel neglected when the other has a period of time where, for whatever reason, be it work/illness/family issues, they require more attention. The couple dynamic suffers often because the balance shifts. It's no longer "fair." The neglected person feels that they are not being valued or listened to. In other words, they feel their needs are not getting met.

So what do I tell them? For starters, I repeat those words that my mom told me some 20 years ago. You are absolutely right, it is not fair. And you have to be okay with that. Because in reality, relationships require trading off. There will be some times (days, months, maybe even years), when one person will really need that extra support from their partner. And the dynamic shifts remarkably. Some couples cannot stand these cosmic shifts and crumble with the new relationship structure.

Don't get me wrong: I am not advocating just being the supportive spouse 100% of the time while your needs go completely unmet. This is where I want to shout to my clients: COMMUNICATE!!
Tell your lover what you need. Below are a few examples of ways to balance the partnership again so you are not left feeling disconnected:

Ask for:
1. Physical connection (hug, kiss, sex)
2. A date night where you can talk and reconnect
3. Time for you to be the one to vent and share about your day/life (some couples trade off with 10 min a day spent reviewing how they are feeling and each person takes a turn)
4. Whatever else you need

Remember you timing as well. The best time to ask for whatever you need is not after a long day where your husband or wife has been dealing with their main issue and is tired, hungry and stressed. It's when things are calm and it is a safe time to talk. (like after the kids are in bed or on the weekends when you have some down time)

Every person in the relationship deserves love, respect and care. No, it won't always be fair or even. Long-term love is not a competition, it's a team effort. When one member gets injured, the other rises up to support them so that when they get hurt in the future, they will have that support in return. It may not be the sexiest of ideas, but it's true. So the next time your love is complaining yet again about their difficult boss, just nod your head and validate their frustrations. Trust me, you will get your 'turn' again. In the meantime, be a rock for the person you love. They will appreciate it and your love will grow even stronger. 

Transforming the Past

When I was a teenager, I viewed myself as the stereotypical outcast. I was pale, awkward, and felt invisible. I barely dated, had few friends, and was ecstatic to graduate and move on from that awful time in my life. Looking back now, I used to tell myself how hard high school was. I reflected on all the things that were wrong with me and how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin. My memories of that time centered around this negative "reality."

What is the problem with only seeing the harsh reality of the past? Well, for starters, our personality is developed by our past. Whatever mind story (story you tell yourself, not always the reality) you develop about who you were as a child is permanently etched in your brain and incorporated into how you interact in the present. If that story is only filled with shame and regret, then you will carry those negative feelings into every adult interaction you have. Since I viewed my adolescence as bad, I struggled with self-esteem as a grown woman. In some ways, I still felt like that lonely, braces-wearing gawky teenager.

Until I re-wrote my personal narrative. Yes, high school was not easy for me. Yes, I was not popular. But the exaggerated feelings of teen angst were mostly in my mind and my own view of myself, no one else's. It was a hard time for me, but it was also when I developed the courage to move 2,000 miles to California for college, fell in love for the first time, and held a steady job for 3 years. Remembering the power you had in the darkness is what transforms difficult memories of pain into memories of strength. I now feel empowered and grateful for my teenage self, while in the past I felt only pity and sadness. Remember, who we are now is largely due in part to who we were then.

The obvious problem is that we cannot undo the past. Traumatic things have happened to many of us, and that is just the brutal truth. In therapy, we teach clients how to make meaning out of horrific or unpleasant life experiences. In creating your own view of strength from suffering, you essentially empower yourself to make meaning out of madness.  This is important because your mind story of your past is a large part of who you are. If you felt weak then, you could feel weak now. But you are not! It all is in self-perception.

My question to you is, why not re-write your story? This time, focus on what you did right. Yes, you didn't score that game-winning touchdown. But you did play JV football for four years and had a great time with your teammates. Maybe your parents were never around. But you had a loving best friend who got you through the rough patches. Or perhaps you lost your brother to illness far too soon. But you learned the value of life and love at an early age. There is meaning to every tragedy, no matter how illogical or small.

So put down your phone and shut off the Netflix. Take a small amount of time today to reflect on a difficult time in your life. Maybe even write it down. But this time, view it from the perspective of how your strength/wisdom/spirit was able to grow and learn from it. I promise it will help you gain empathy for your past self. We are nothing but continuously changing, making mistakes and getting up when life kicks us down.

Think of your life as needing a filter. Instead of black-and-white, put some color back into your memories. (I prefer Chrome myself) You are the artist that gives beauty to your life. Don't spend one more day viewing your life through a smudged lens.

*inspired by a wonderful piece in Psychology Today, June 2016, "The Story of Your Life," by Susan Gregory Thomas (check it out today!)

How To Fight to Actually Make Your Relationship Better

I hate fights. Ever since I was a little girl I ran from confrontation. Especially with people I care about. Who does like to argue with the love of their life? It's scary and seems to go against all that we have been fed about how relationships "should" be fun, sexy and conflict-free. The reality is, fights are essential to working through problems. If you never voice your concerns, you run the risk of becoming resentful towards your mate for things you suppressed or told yourself "weren't a big deal." The truth is, some things are not that important. Being 10 minutes late, forgetting to take out the trash, or throwing clothes on the floor instead of the hamper- all forgivable things that do not warrant a huge argument. But repeated behavior that really bothers you is worth having a conversation with your partner. So how do you actually fight without it turning into a 3-hour long drama that ends with him on the couch and you stewing in the bedroom? See my easy to follow, simple tips below that will turn your arguments from repetitive wastes of time to helpful lessons that actually make your relationship stronger: (Yes, this is possible!)

1. Whomever has the complaint starts the argument by voicing their frustration. Avoid saying "always" or "never" in this aspect. It will instantly cause your partner to go on the defensive. And in reality, it's not true. People don't do things "all the time," they just do it enough to drive us crazy. State what is bothering you and start every sentence with I. I feel, I think, I want...you get the picture! Trust me, your spouse will feel much less attacked if you say "I feel hurt when you spend the weekend with your friends and we have little time together" instead of, "You make me so mad when you always pick your friends over us!"

2. After you have said your peace, really LISTEN to your mate speak. Do not interrupt. Try to understand where they are coming from and how they truly feel. Try to suspend your view as being right while you take in what they are communicating to you.

3. Repeat back what you have heard your partner say. Everyone wants to feel heard. When we feel seen and heard, we are much more likely to be reasonable and actively try to work towards a resolution with our partner. Example: "I hear you saying you feel sad when I work late."

4. Talk about what was said. Make sure you both understand where each person is coming from. Ask questions if you think you don't know what your partner is saying, and ask them to clarify what you've said if you feel misunderstood.

Remember that a fight is not the end of a relationship but rather a sign that you are actually talking about things instead of sweeping them under the rug. That shows both of you want this relationship to work. I hope these tips can help you work towards finding a better way to communicate so your relationship gets even better over time.

When You Aren't On the Same Page: How to Reconnect With Your Partner

Maybe you have been away on a business trip for a week or spent the past two weekends working. Perhaps you haven't had time or money for "date night" or the kids' schedules have been so crazy there just hasn't been the opportunity to connect an talk. Whatever the reason is, couples often fall out of sync. Let's face it: life gets in the way. ALL THE TIME! Often we get so busy with the day-to-day operations that we forget to tend to our relationship garden. Without daily watering, food, sunlight and love, plants die. As do relationships. Without connecting emotionally, mentally and physically, love cannot continue to grow. I am not referring to the love for a child, family member or pet, but that "in love" feeling. It can slip away as the years go by and you both slowly drift further and further apart.

How do you prevent love loss so you don't end up laying next to a roommate instead of a lover? It's simple but requires daily maintenance. It's all about nurturing each other. We all want to (and need to) be nurtured. First by our parents at birth, then by our friends as teens and finally by our spouses (primarily) as adults. You need to nurture yourself on a daily basis by eating regularly and getting enough sleep. But you also need to nurture your mate, in big and little ways. For example, getting up to greet him when he gets home with a giant bear hug and a sloppy kiss. Sounds silly, but I can guarantee he'll notice the effort. And he will like that greeting a whole lot better than a quick peck on the cheek with a half-hearted "How was your day?" as you finish making dinner. Small touches and displays of affection on a daily basis keep you and your mate physically connected. I will add in intimate sexual contact also, whatever that looks like to your coupleship. (Only if sex is something both of you need to feel connected. If both of you are happy that sex is purposefully not a part of your relationship, disregard this). Even if you don't always feel aroused initially, sometimes having sex for the connection and intimacy is very rewarding. However, do not force yourself (or your partner) ever to engage physically if you are not wanting to connect in that way. Doing so will only breed resentment and fuel emotional separation, not prevent it.

Another strategy is remembering to keep in contact with your partner, even if you are thousands of miles apart. Back in the 'olden days' they wrote letters. Nice touch now, but realistically I doubt any one of us will take the time to break out the stationary and fountain pen. A short and sweet "Love you" or "Thinking of you baby" text or comment a few times a week will suffice. Who doesn't like to feel appreciated? Especially by the person you have chosen to spend your life with.

Also remember to invite them vent to you. Ask questions about the people they interact with regularly either at home or at work/school, and pay attention to what they say. Relationships work best when both people are actively involved and invested. Not when you tell for the millionth time that Kyle is your old friend from college who now works in the office next to yours.

When you two are together, always try to have their back. If they are telling a super long and confusing story about their annoying boss, support their side. Don't try to provide solutions; that is not what anyone wants to hear at the end of a long day. Being with someone means consistently showing they can trust you. In other words, be their cheerleader. Emotionally pick them up when they're feeling low and give them support when they score a big victory. Sorry for the somewhat sexist sports metaphor, but this method works both ways. And men can be cheerleaders too! It is 2016 after all, and I'm fairly certain we've all see Will Ferrell as a male cheerleader in SNL.

Finally, remember to communicate when you do feel disconnected or out of sync. The old phrase of "we are only as sick as our secrets" rings true here. If you are unhappy, say something before it's too late and that passionate love you felt is a distant memory. Start today by being honest with how you feel. You are worth it, and so is your relationship. Nurture it, and it will continue to grow for years to come.

How One Addiction Leads to Another..and Another..and Another

 How many of you have seen a group of people gathered outside a bar or nondescript building, puffing away on cigarettes? Or known a formerly overweight person who loses 100lbs and two years later becomes obsessed with running marathons? Perhaps you tend to blame your string of one-night stands on the booze you always over-consume the night before. These are examples of addiction interaction. I want to bring up this topic because I have worked with many people who think that they can simply quit their addictions without doing the messy work of actually figuring out what purpose the addiction held for them. I wish it were only that easy, but white-knuckling it only gets you so far. Eventually, things get sticky and you find yourself slowly sliding back to your old, unhealthy ways. The real change is made by addressing the pain (yes, PAIN) you are trying to avoid. Painful feelings like sadness from trauma or loss, loneliness, insecurity, anxiety, depression, and fear.

You see, our brains are funny. They remember things. Little tiny grooves are paved in our brains the more we do things, especially when things are done compulsively, aka A LOT. For example, if you are a sex addict who compulsively seeks out men to have sex with, the ritual of just getting ready is triggering that compulsive brain response. Even though you may not consciously be aware of it, whenever you put on that certain outfit, smoke a joint, and listen to that special song, you're training your brain (and firing off excitement neurotransmitters).  It's related to the neural pathways that are formed when we engage in addictive activities.* One addiction triggers another, and together they become even stronger and harder to quit.

*Below are a list of the different types of addiction interaction to look out for. Rarely do addicts have only one addictive behavior. I encourage you to take a good look at what activities in  your life are similar to these patterns. Ask yourself, "Do I do these things because I want to or because they are habits?" Perhaps maybe even, "Have they led me to do things I regret?" Finally, extra points if you go deeper and confront possible denial by asking, "What am I really feeling when I engage in these things?" If the answer is "I feel happy, life is great!" then keep doing you! But if your life is being negatively affected (or hurting another person's life), then it may be time to get some help for your addictions. Especially try to look at how they interact and trigger each other.

*(adapted from "Recovery Zone: Volume 1," by Dr.Patrick Carnes, 2009)

1. Cross Tolerance: When both addictions increase simultaneously.
Example: alcohol use increasing the more intense online poker game addiction does
2. Withdrawal Mediation: One addiction used to cushion blow of stopping another addiction.
Example: giving up soda but adding regular coffee runs instead 
3 Replacement: One addiction takes the place of another after time has passed since giving up initial addiction.
Example:as mentioned above, trading food binges for exercise binges after 2 years of sobriety
4. Alternating Cycles: Going back and forth between addictive patterns.
Example: studying obsessively during school year then partying every night during summer break
5. Masking: Using one addiction to cover-up another.
Example: using work addiction to cover up eating disorder due to being "too busy to eat"
6. Rituals: When rituals for one addiction are same for other addiction.
Example: also as mentioned above, a sex addict needing to engage in rituals that trigger both addictions (smoking marijuana and having compulsive sex)
7. Fusing: One addiction ramps up the impact of another.
Example: binging on cocaine and risky, adrenaline-junkie behavior, such as snorting a line and jumping off a dangerous cliff (you wouldn't do one without the other)
8. Numbing: High risk behaviors followed by soothing behaviors.
Example: going on a spending spree then binging on a gallon of ice cream to soothe the shame of spending $3,000
9. Disinhibiting: One addiction helps you feel disinhibited enough to engage in another.
Example: as mentioned above, getting drunk on alcohol to 'allow' yourself to have sex
10. Combining: When addictions are combined for the desired affect.
Example: mixing alcohol with marijuana with dangerous sex and gambling
11. Inclusive: One addiction is always present and all others just supplement it.
Example: compulsively working, no matter if you're at home or on vacation, must always be working even when engaging in other addictions of getting high and working out

Put The Phone Down and No One Gets Hurt

I read a statistic the other day on CNBC.com* that stated there is a definite link between social media use and a decrease in marital quality . While this isn't breaking news, it is bizarre that our phones have become almost a third entity in our relationships. The phone goes on the table at dinner, begging to be checked with every buzz. It accompanies us on vacation, always a text away from work. And it shares in all our important moments, documenting a glorious meal/concert/trip while we are busy staring at a tiny LCD-screen, missing it. Does anyone else see the problem with this? We spend more time talking about what we do to other people than actually doing things. It's like seeing a move blindfold or taking a picture of dinner but not eating.

The impact on relationships is concerning to me as a therapist because of the distraction and escape the phone provides. For example, I have had many clients report to me that they discovered that their spouses were cheating via a social media site/phone app. I believe this is due to two reasons:

1. With apps like "Tinder," there is literally a buffet of "single" people who want to have sex, 24 hours a day. It requires basically no effort at all. The courtship process is nearly eliminated.
2. People are easily distracted by the newest thing, including sexual partners and mates, in some cases. The hunt for "what else is out there" used to take place at bars and required hours of planning and moments to reconsider your actions. Now you can cheat while sitting on the toilet! No effort required, not even pants. It's easy to escape the annoying snore of your wife or messiness of your husband with one swipe, but that is not reality.

The distraction issue with the phone being glued to our hands is also scary. Men's Health* reported that the more time you use your phone daily, the increased odds you have of being depressed. For relationships, it's incredibly disconnecting. The time we spend unwinding with our mates is crucial for maintaining a strong bond. It's just as important as a regular 'date night' to  keep the fire burning. Picture this: you come home from a rough day at work and all you want to do is vent to your spouse and get a warm hug. Instead, you're met with head nods and minimal eye contact while they surf ESPN.com or scroll their Facebook feed. Not comforting at all, and more importantly, not respectful. What we are saying when we choose interaction with the outside world of our phones versus our partners, is that, "other people matter more than you."

Who wants to get that (non-text) message? Put the phone down, avert your eyes up, and be present in the moment if you want a healthier life and happier relationship.




*"Social networking linked to divorce, marital unhappiness" by Everett Rosenfeld, 7/14/16
*Men's Health, December, 2015

Creating a Shared Vision

Am I the only person who made collages of things I loved as a child? Surely some of you readers can relate to cutting pictures out of magazines of your dream boyfriends, careers and phrases like "Just do it" and "Maybe she's born with it." Those glue-stick assembled creations of our youth are worth taking a second look at now as adults. I am referring to creating what is called a "Vision Board." It may sound cheesy but bear with me. This tool can change your life from chaotic and messy to clear and hopeful. How? By actually putting down on paper what you are choosing your life to be about. Many things are out of our control, but much of what we do and how we choose to live is intentional. Life is a collection of many, many choices. Identify the choices you need to make and you can make your dreams come true.

A Vision Board is a map of what you'd like to be doing in 5 years, coupled with the steps you need to take to get there. It is created by drawing a circle on a piece of paper and filling the background with all of your wishes, hopes and dreams for where you would like to be in 2021 (if you did one today, in 2016). Inside the circle, list at least 5 things you can do today or this week or month, to get you one step closer to those long-term goals. Seem easy? Here are a few examples with larger and smaller first steps to get your started:

1. Goal: Have a baby- Track your ovulation monthly and read as much as you can on a fertility diet and lifestyle (Seem overwhelming? Instead start with a trip to the doctor to get checked out this month and start taking prenatal vitamins.)
2. Goal: Be a successful writer- Work on your craft 1 hour a day and read 1 book a week on how to start a writing career. (Too overwhelming? Try blogging one a week and see if you even still enjoy writing before you devote too much time to it.)
3. Goal: Buy a house- Save 20% of every paycheck towards a down payment. (Too much? Try not buying coffee daily and put that money in a "house jar." Even small steps count towards your goal.)

I learned this tool from a recent IITAP conference I attended in Arizona and used it to create a vision of what I'd like my life to look like in 5 years. It was amazing to see a visual representation of what I want my life to be about someday. It really pointed out what's currently missing in my life now. Yet what I realized is that I want to do a vision board with my partner as well. After all, those in long-term serious relationships don't live in isolation. They are part of a team, a unit. Nearly all their decisions are made with someone (or more than one) person in mind. Creating a list of your dreams together using pictures (not words) on the outside of the circle with easy baby steps in the inside is empowering and can help you both to feel more connected. You're working together towards a common goal, not simply living parallel lives. I even had a coworker who put sticky notes in the inside of his vision board (inside the circle) so that after he accomplished those tasks, he could create new ones. Genius! Your Vision Board can be an ever-evolving thing. Perhaps you could even hang it on your wall for daily inspiration.

So next date night or lazy Sunday afternoon, instead of ordering Thai and watching yet another Redbox on the couch, create a vision board separately and maybe also together. It may not instantly grant you the life of your dreams, but it does put out into the universe the things you want to accomplish with your life. What are your priorities? What do you want to spend more time on? What things are you putting off for later?

It's one thing to dream, it's quite another to consciously make steps toward your goals. Be a little bit creative and whip out the scissors, old magazines and Crayola. Ask yourself, what is my vision for my (and our) life? And what can I do today to make that future a reality?

How to Stop Putting Yourself Down and Be Your Own Best Friend

How many times a day do you think you "should" have done something different than what you actually did? How many times do you feel guilty about something you didn't accomplish? How may times do you simply beat yourself up? (metaphorically of course) If you're like myself, the number is about 10-20 times. That's a lot of SHAME that we take in on a daily basis! It's toxic, like drinking poison. The sad truth is, unfortunately this is a pretty common phenomenon. We tend to focus on what we didn't do, said wrong, or forgot. Why do we do this? Why can't we applaud our successes instead of punishing ourselves for what we feel was not "good enough"?

Examples: I should have worked out, I forgot to answer that email, I didn't do my best at that meeting, I should have gone to bed earlier, I wish I had pushed myself harder at the gym, I looked bad today because I didn't spend enough time getting ready, I should be a better friend, I didn't handle that client well, I wasn't there for my kid, I forgot about that meeting...The list could go one forever.


The good news is there IS a way to stop being so hard on yourself. The way to do this is to treat yourself like you would treat someone that you truly cherish. Like your child, best friend, or beloved pet. Because honestly, you should cherish yourself. You are amazing, rare, capable and unique. You have to be your own cheerleader because no one will be able to change your life besides you. Not that your life even needs to change. It may be great as it is, and that's okay too. The point is, if you cannot be kind and loving to yourself, other people won't be either. In other words, if you are too harsh on yourself, you will put up with people treating you poorly because you think you deserve mistreatment. We get sucked into believing we aren't as good as everyone else. We compare ourselves to other people; constantly. Stop doing this! It will only bring you pain and keep you stuck.

Here are 5 simple, concrete steps towards ending the daily shame and guilt cycle:

• Tell yourself what you did well every day (take at least 1 minute to reflect on this; say when you're brushing your teeth at night)
• When looking in the mirror, point out a feature of yours you find attractive (do this while you do you brush your hair or put on makeup in the morning)
•  When you are struggling or about to lose patience for yourself, remember one of these four sentences: I did my best. It's not the end of the world. It will be okay. Tomorrow is another day. 
• When you feel yourself falling short of your goals, make them smaller and more specific. Instead of, "I will go workout for 1 hour 5 times a week," try, "I will do 20 minutes of walking today." This can even work for relationships. Instead of "I will be a better father," try, "I will sit with my son tonight before he goes to bed tonight." The old 12-step adage of "One day at a time" is so well-known because it works.
•  Smile at yourself at least once a day in the mirror. It may seem weird or forced but trust me, it honestly works to improve your self-esteem. Bonus points if you smile and give yourself a compliment. I even wink at myself! Yeah it's bit corny but it makes me feel good.

I hope everyone can read this and relate a little to feeling less-than. I know it's terrible to feel like you are stuck or keep making the same mistakes. We all are imperfect and flawed beings. We all struggle. Life is not often easy. So why make it worse by being that judgmental parent or controlling boss who always pointed out your flaws?  Why be the person who drags you down instead of lifting you up? Accept you are a changing, dynamic person who is that much wiser every time you make a mistake. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. You are more than worth it.

Sex and Spirituality: How Much Do They Have in Common?

I remember being in high school and hearing rumors about how "church kids" were having a lot of sex. I always thought that was ironic, given the fact that they were supposed to be virgins before marriage. As a nerdy, shy 14-year old with bad hair and pale skin, I was not one of those kids, but I did have my first kiss on a mission trip to West Virginia. Even the controversial Duggars have a million and one kids, so they must be having sex all the time. Well that and not using any type of birth control. All of this has made me wonder, what is it about God that makes people so horny? Is there a common link between God and sex?

I believe that yes, there is a parallel between spirituality and sexuality. Both are essentially a search for wholeness. A search to connect with someone and something higher than yourself. Both involve pain and not knowing. And both are ultimately involve a leap of faith. Falling in love and giving yourself over sexually to your mate is a risk. It is scary and places you in a vulnerable position. True intimacy in sex is not simply the physical act of intercourse, but the connecting of two people at the deepest emotional level. If you have not experienced that type of sex yet, know that it does exist. But it involves being able to let go of all your defenses and truly let yourself be seen by another person. It's hard! And demands trust first and foremost. But it is also incredibly profound. Feeling loved for who you are in mind, body and spirit is exhilarating. And more fulfilling than any casual 'hook-up' could ever be. Those are exciting sure, but not the same as intimate sex with someone you love who loves you back, despite your flaws. Your crooked nose, flabby thighs, weird birth mark- those don't matter when you're being sexual with them. It's not about the physical stuff. That is simply the tool used to further the emotional connection.

The search for God is different of course (no one is having sex with Jesus..that I know of), but very similar. It involves desiring to feel loved and protected. It is intangible. It cannot be bought or created, but rather it's felt. Whatever your spiritual affiliation is, hopefully you can relate to that overwhelming emotion of feeling safe and protected, no matter what life brings you. You are loved completely for yourself. You are whole. When we lack that wholeness in life, we tend to search for other ways to fill it (aka addiction to drugs, idolizing celebrities, obsessing over work, you name it).

I don't say this to preach to anyone, completely the opposite. I myself have struggled with faith my entire adult life. What I want to do is  illuminate the correlation between the love you can feel from a higher power, to the love you can feel through intimate, healthy sex. It may seem crazy to some to place so much weight on sex, a mostly physical act. I challenge all of us to use sex as more than just that. It is truly the closest you can get to another human being. And the most exposed. Not only physically but emotionally. If you are (both) present during sex and one with your lover, you can experience that intense passion, no matter how long you've been together. Joy to the World indeed!

Money Money Money Money.....MONEY!

They say the four 'off-limit' topics are sex, money, politics and religion. Couples tend to fight most about the first two: sex (when to have it, how much to have) and money (when to spend it, how much each person has). The funny thing is that both topics are not so simple as they seem. Money isn't just about the number you have in your bank account and sex isn't just about how often you "do it." Today I want to focus on all the meaning behind money, and how I've seen it destroy relationships.

First of all, our attitude about money is shaped in our childhoods. If you were raised by a single-parent who worked 12-hour shifts to buy you name-brand cereal, you won't have a relaxed view of money. To you, money means sacrifice and it's not to be taken lightly. You may pinch pennies or spend freely as a reaction to living so frugally growing up. If you were raised in an affluent home where money wasn't really ever discussed (you just had it), its value is less. You won't think twice about buying 'real' Fruit Loops or anything else you want.

Another dimension is how money ties into our view of ourselves. Individuals with high self-esteem are able to spend money on themselves but also don't spend in excess because they know it would hurt them in the long-term. Those with low self-esteem either live in deprivation and feel guilt spending money OR they overspend with no thought of the future because they don't pay attention to the chaos that living beyond their means will bring them.

In working with couples, the number one thing I've noticed is that when they fight about money, it's not about money. It's the meaning behind the money. When one spouse makes more than the other, it brings up questions about value. What value do you bring to the relationship when you stay at home and your spouse works 60+ hours a week? This is a conversation to have together or else resentment is bound to grow. I may sound like a broken record but communication is 100% the key to resolving these differences. I've talked with women who felt invisible because all the work the put in raising children was ignored (in their eyes) by their partners. On the other hand, their partners have told me that they felt unappreciated because they felt pressured to work full-time and help out at home whenever possible. 

Couples need to talk about what they expect from one another, and how they want to spend their money. After all, when you're married it is no longer YOUR money; you're a team now. That also means you cannot dictate how you're going to spend the money, even if it's you that makes it all. Compromise is necessary in order to both be happy with how you live as a couple. There will be times when you will have to bite your tongue if your spouse buys another pair of shoes or doesn't want to go on vacation because it's too expensive.

Finally, remembering that when you talk with your partner about money, you aren't just talking to them. You're essentially talking to their parents too, and every message that was taught to them throughout childhood. So have those hard discussions and continue to check in with each other about the state of your finances. Perhaps you can grow and heal with each other, balancing each out out as you balance the checkbook.

Balancing Act

When I was a kid I remember loving the circus. The lions, the creepy clowns, the $10 cotton candy- it was all amazing to me. I even liked the trapeeze artists who soared in the air and the acrobats that could balance 6 plates in the air with their teeth. Nowadays Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey seems to have disappeared, which is probably good after the animal mistreatment allegations popped up. But what stuck with me was those darn acrobats and how well they could balance. It seemed impossible! All my life I've struggled with balance. I tend to lean towards all-or-nothing thinking, so either I do something 1000% or not at all. This leads to me quickly burning out on things. I remember the time when I thought I would try acting and begged my mom for classes. I went every week with joy...for about 3 weeks. Then the novelty wore off and I was no longer obsessed with learning about acting. All I wanted to do was blow off the classes because I was tired of focusing 24/7 on "the craft."

My point is that life is a constant balancing act: school, work, family, friends, love. It's really hard! We tend to overdo somethings and underdo others. Family gets neglected due to due the excitement of a new relationship. Exercise goes by the wayside when work gets crazy. School grades slip when bills need to get paid. Keeping all of our priorities in line is hard work. But what I have noticed in the clients I have worked with, and in my own life, is that following a life of balance is essential for happiness. Anything done too much, even eating kale, is negative to maintaining balance in your life.

The balance I want to focus on specifically is relationship balance. What I mean by that is putting enough energy into your partner. Relationships need nurturing and care- especially long-term ones. Sometimes we take our lovers for granted and do not prioiritize them because they've always been there. Add in kids and that balance can get out of wack really fast. What happens when the kids come before your relationship? Answer: nothing good. To be completely honest, I do speak about children from a childless place. However, as a therapist I have seen countless couples who have neglected their own union because of their chilren, to disasterous results. The closeness dies because you no longer talk about each other (or do things alone) and instead, it's all about the kids. Of course you need to make your children a priority, but remember that you and your spouse existed before they did. No one 'has' to be married, it's a choice. Making that choice everyday can be hard some days, but the good should outweigh the bad- the scale should tip towards the positive.

Balance 'you' time with 'us' time. Balance work with play. Balance salad with ice cream. Balance water with wine. Above all, remember that those acrobats didn't start off with instantly balancing all those plates or walking on that thin of a rope. It took time, practice, and falling a million times but getting back up. Don't punish yourself if you forget to call your mom because of your big project at work or date night goes by the wayside due to your little boy's school play. Life will get out of balance sometimes, that is a guarantee. Recognizing that and continuing to work on restoring that balance will go wonders for keeping you sane, happy and healthy. We all walk our version of a tightrope, even if we've never been to the circus.

Breaking Boundaries: How to Cope with a Partner's Past

People are like magnets. Drawn to each other with unexplained, intangible chemistry. In my work with couples and individuals struggling with trouble communicating or having a fulfilling sex life, what I have witnessed is that there is reason we choose our lovers. It's not just physical attraction alone. That may be the initial draw, but what holds people together is often subconsciously motivated. There are those couples that seem to like constantly arguing and those that thrive on going out nightly for social events.

And then there other underlying dynamics that bind us to each other- things like a shared history of trauma or mental illness. When you come from a healthy family system, it's hard to relate when your partner hasn't spoken to her father in 10 years or never met his biological mom. Often times, what I see as a therapist is that the very things that draw us to someone can wear out the relationship over time if not addressed. But what really is interesting is that we tend to repeat our family patterns as adults. Subconsciously, we try to 'fix' our childhood wounds.

One of the most crucial areas I have seen these patterns repeat is with our romantic relationships. Specifically with trauma. That is the reason that children from a domestic violence background marry men who abuse them or why men who were enmeshed emotionally with their mothers have unhealthy anger towards women. Trauma is like a wound that never got stitches. The scar is there and we tend to look for others with the same mark.

But what do you do when your partner was sexually abused as a child? Surprisingly (and incredibly sad), it's incredibly common. One San Francisco study reported that 38% of women had been sexually molested as children (according to Heather Smith from healthyplace.com). And that is only what is remembered and shared. Often we repress memories of sexual abuse (which has MANY forms, from rape to touching/fondling to being exposed to inappropriate/sexualized language ), because it's a method of self-protection. How can you be expected to have a healthy sex life when sex itself was forced upon you? This can be very confusing for the victim and their partner, who often puts the blame on their shoulders for problems in bed.

The most important thing to remember when your partner's boundaries have been violated from an early or later age is that it's not about you. Someone who has survived trauma is just that- a survivor. You cannot go through something awful and not have wounds. Usually they are not visible, but they can be. Would you feel responsible if your partner had lost a leg in war, affecting their body image? Of course not! Remember that with sexual abuse. We cannot talk about sex without tying it to many things, from body image to boundaries.

In being a supportive partner, what is really needed is safety and empowerment. I recommend survivors of sexual abuse to attend therapy for their own healing. If their dynamics as an individual are greatly impacting their partnership or sex life, then I also recommend couples therapy so a trained professional can help navigate those choppy waters. Partners need to remember to not guilt/shame their lovers. That is only re-enacting the trauma and creates further emotional distance.

Like I mentioned earlier, there is likely a deeper reason that people find each other. Perhaps your own family situation placed you as the caregiver, so you chose a partner who needed rescuing.  Or maybe you were the eldest child, used to being in control, and were drawn to a person who depended on you for security. Whatever the reason is, remember that we are all scared in some way from childhood wounds, just in different ways. Have compassion and understanding for your partner's journey. You can never know how rocky it's been because it isn't your life, it's theirs.

Never Trust a Man with a Ponytail and 10 Other Lessons I've Learned About Men

I thought I'd write a quick post today with an eye-catching title for all the ladies out there. There are a few things I have noticed about men in my nearly 30 years that I want to share with you all. Of course I say these (half) jokingly. So here goes!

1.  Men are pretty simple: feed them, love them, support them.
2.  Never say a bad word about a man's mother. Enough said.
3.  If a man's pants are tighter than yours don't be surprised if he spends more time with his "guy friends" than you. They're not just playing X-Box.
4.  Manners make the man (okay this is a quote from "The Kingsman" but it's true!)- men who treat women like women (pulling out a chair, opening the car door) are worth their weight in gold.  
5.  There's a difference between  being friendly and flirting. Men know it and so do you. If your man crosses the line (or if you do)- something is missing. Talk about it.
6. Men hate nagging. They don't want to kiss/cuddle/touch their mothers. Even if he leaves the dishes in the sink for the 100th time just let it go! Unless you want your bed to be just a place to sleep.
7. Men like being taken care of too. Little stuff like writing him love letters or doing his laundry go a long way.
8. Men brag too (about us women). So give him something to brag (not complain) about. Be kind. Buy him a beer. Dress up just because. Trust me, he'll do the same.
9. Boys will be boys. No I don't mean that they will chase tail and that's okay, because it's NOT. But men like doing 'boy' stuff  like football, fighting, getting dirty, talking about cars and sports for hours on end. Let him do him. Join in if he asks, but otherwise, let him be a guy.
10. Never trust a man who's obsessed with his reflection and spends more time getting ready than you do. (or who has a ponytail and borrows your hair ties)

Hope this helps you lovely ladies out there navigating the challenging but wonderful world of dating and relationships. :)

Ted Explains How to Be Happy

I have recently been obsessed with watching "Ted Talks." They are not just fascinating, but I feel like I'm learning a lot at the same time. I've been drawn especially to talks regarding happiness and how some people feel it easily while others chase it so diligently (and unsuccessfully). Two in particular caught my eye by their amazing titles: the first was, "My Philosophy for a Happy Life" by Sam Berns, and the other was "Three Words That Will Change Your Life," by Dr. Mark Holder. The first was by a young teenager (Sam), with progeria, a rare genetic disease that causes premature aging (aka Benjamin Button disease). His motto was basically to appreciate what you CAN do, not lament or moan about what you can't. This is a kid who was not attractive, athletic, rich, or healthy, but spent every day on this planet being ridiculously joyful for what he COULD do: play drums in the marching band, spend time with friends, inspire others to live a fuller life. I later found out that Sam died at age 17 from his disease. Honestly, that news made me realize his message was even more true because life is so precious and short. Sam didn't even get to celebrate his 18th birthday. I'm turning 30 this year. I feel immensely grateful just for that fact alone, and the simple truth that I am healthy, in love, and don't go to bed hungry every night...or ever. Millions (probably billions) of people cannot say the same.

The other Ted talk, "Three Words That Will Change Your Life," was inspiring in a different way. Dr. Holder explained that for humans, happiness is inextricably linked to their relationships. We need to be bonded to others. If not, we bond to other things to self-medicate our loneliness, especially if we have suffered trauma and need to numb ourselves from life (leading to sex, drugs, and/or food addiction). People who are genuinely happy have close, loving relationships with others. They spend time nurturing these intimate friendships. They feel understood and heard, as well as safe enough to be close to others. The aforementioned three words that will change your life are: "tell me more," because saying them to someone instantly bonds them to you. Try it with your next conversation and instead of zoning out or interrupting, really make an effort to hear what your friends are saying. That is what builds connection and that connection leads to increased happiness.

 Dr. Holder also explained that the happiness of your partner directly correlates with your own happiness. That completely makes sense to me, because I struggle with being completely happy when my husband is sad. He is such a big part of my life that I cannot imagine being care-free when he's upset. I have no doubt that many people can relate to this issue. I mean this not in a codependent, unhealthy way, but as an expression of the connection with my mate.

I wanted to share both of these talks because I think we all get caught up in the stress of our lives and the quest for what is "enough," that we forget to slow down and examine what truly make us smile. Happiness is being grateful that you are not in pain or hungry. Happiness is not what you can buy, it's appreciating who you are and who loves you. If only Sam had been so lucky to see what gifts lie beyond the teenage years! But honestly, he wouldn't see his death as "I wish I could have lived to see another birthday." Instead, he would see it as, "I'm so happy and grateful I got to celebrate 17 of them." Rest in peace buddy.

The Porn Trap

As a licensed therapist who specializes in sexual health issues, I get asked a lot of interesting questions, such as:

"Am I a sex addict? I like to have sex, a lot!"
"How do I attract people to date me? I'm so lonely; what am I doing wrong?"
"Sex with my girlfriend/boyfriend has really slowed down. How do I fix it?"
"Everyone watches porn; it's no big deal. But how much is too much? Can it affect my sex life?"

The last one is probably the most common, especially with men. Porn is a multi-billion dollar industry that has truly exploded over the past decade. Many men watch pornography on a daily basis and have no problem with it. When I say 'no problem,' I mean that they can still go to work, have a healthy sex life, and maintain friendships without rushing home to masturbate. If pornography is an addiction, it damages a person's life and preoccupies their time, thoughts and behaviors. It also leads to feeling guilt and shame after countless hours are wasted staring at a screen. That is more of what pornography addiction looks like.

For men (and women) who watch porn more casually, it seems less harmful; right? Sure, these type of people don't lose control of their lives or experience dramatic negative consequences due to porn. But what is the impact on their view of women and fulfilling sex? Millions of young people are being taught "how" to have sex from watching hired men and women engage in intercourse of some type. Yet what porn doesn't teach is intimacy. It shows the physical act of body parts being inserted in someway, but it lacks any type of connection. This can be extremely damaging to how we view sex. Sex becomes less of a way to express desire and longing for a partner and more of a way to have an orgasm with whomever is on the receiving/giving end. I am generalizing of course and referring mostly to heterosexual male/female pornography, however the point of porn lacking intimacy rings true over many demographics and styles. Porn tells us what we should look like, sound like, orgasm like; and they are ALL unrealistic! No one can live up to that, not even the actors or actresses themselves. They have a room of 20 people lighting them and applying makeup ever 5 minutes to ensure the perfect shot. Don't even get me started on the misogynist themes that porn encourages.

I don't mean to preach, but the point I'm trying to make is that porn may seem like sexy fun, but it slowly seduces over time. More and more exposure creates grooves in our brain. Meaning the first time you see a man ejaculate on a girl's face it's shocking, but the 5th time it's 'normal.' This also leads to the desire to recreate situations in porn movies. Once again, it's about the act or the novelty of the act, not the other person. This takes the greatest part of sex (connecting with a lover) away from the experience. Of course not every person you have sex with is your soul mate, but they are a human being. Intimacy with someone whom you like is great and someone you love is even better.

I know many people won't change their minds about online pornography after reading this, but the next time you do watch it try looking at what's actually going on. Look for typical things that happen during real sex: eye contact, kissing, cuddling, non-flat stomachs giggling. Chances are you won't see that. Chances are you won't find anything real at all.

Why Self-Care is Essential for You and Your Relationship

Today I sweated my buns off in spin class, walked to the dog park, and cooked up some delicious (and healthy) food for the week. It was a good day, my only day off during the week. Those things I did today make me happy. But that's just me. For my husband, a day off would include a couple of cold beers, a football game and a bunch of good friends to hang with. Either way, taking time for yourself is essential to recharging your batteries before a week of work and stress. Some people, like myself, recharge by being alone, while others, like my extroverted hubby, love being around others. When you allow yourself time and money to be spent on things that make you feel alive and joyful, you are able to be more present for your work, your spouse, and most importantly- yourself. I suggest varying the things you do so that you combine relaxing activities (like TV watching, naps, going to the movies) with fun, new hobbies to expand your personality (like taking an art class or trying a new cuisine). Whatever it is that makes your feel alive, do it for yourself. Life is too short to spend it focusing only on work and bills. So relax, kick back, and take care of yourself. Your mood will improve and your life will too.

Love is....

How would you finish this question? The answer differs for everyone, and there is no 'right' one. The Merriam-Webster defines love as, "A feeling of strong or constant affection for a person." You could love your mom, lover, best friend or pet (because they are people too, in my opinion). I think the answer to this question tells you a lot about a person. If someone thinks love is feeling safe, they need someone who protects them and offers reassurance. If they say love is feeling beautiful, they want compliments and validation. If they say love is security, they need someone who is stable and safe. If they feel love is an adventure, they are looking for a partner in crime. The point is that love means different things to different people, depending on their family backgrounds and what they have been through in life. I personally think love is all the things I mentioned above, but my favorite definition is that love is feeling accepted for who you are, inside and out, flaws and all. I say this because the world is rough sometimes. People can (and will) tear you down. It's easy to get overwhelmed by work, family, stress, you name it! There is nothing better than going to someone you love to get support. Love is someone who will listen to you bitch about how that crazy lady cut you off in traffic or giving you advice about how to handle that annoying boss. Love is listening to boyfriend woes, telling you how great you look at 9 months pregnant and picking up the phone at 2am when you're feeling lonely. Love is keeping you from calling your cheating ex or holding your sobbing body when you lose your mom.  There are many types of love, from romantic to familial, but at the end of the day love is pretty expansive. You know when you feel it and whom you feel it for. Whomever that is, cherish them and treat them well. Because while some love is forever, life is not. If you are lucky enough to have some type of love in your life, let that person know and maybe even ask them what they think love is. You may just be surprised by their answer.

First Dates

This evening I was watching "Extreme Weight Loss" on TLC. For those who don't know, it's a weight loss show about people who are overweight that shows their progression of getting healthy with diet and exercise over many months. It also incorporates showing how their life changes as they lose the weight. One man on the show went on his very first date. (he was roughly 30 years old) It was a sweet, emotional moment. You could literally see the joy on his face, the excitement. Dating is fun and validating. It means someone is willingly desiring to spend time with us. But it's also scary and nerve-racking. What if they don't like us? What if we don't like them? What if they are boring or rude or have bad breath?

The show got me thinking about what first dates truly mean. Physically, there is the rush of adrenaline and butterflies in the stomach. But emotionally, there is much more significance. If you think about it, every first date is possibly the last first date you ever have. Isn't that the goal? We date to mate- eventually that is. Dating is fun but also scary. It's a risk we take every time we agree to put ourselves out there for someone else to judge. We risk rejection for the thrill of love and acceptance.

The first time I went on a date with my now-husband, I knew it was going to be something special, but to be honest I put on my "first date" self. Not to say I wore a black wig and a fake nose, but I did pretend to be something I wasn't in order to get him to like me. This ended up backfiring on me- badly. Much later on in our relationship, he told me that he loved me for who I really was, not the fake person I pretended to be. He told me he wished I was that person from the start. From the very first date.

When going on that nerve-racking first date with someone you find interesting and attractive, be yourself. Yes, you risk never seeing them again or scaring them away because of your weirdness. But the person who you're meant to marry will love your bizarre quirks. And you will love theirs. It takes confidence and a belief in yourself to do that. I didn't have either when I began dating my husband. It sounds like the man on "Extreme Weight Loss" didn't either, until he lost some weight and began to feel good about himself.

Be brave enough to be yourself. Because one day you will have the last first date ever. And it will be worth all the bad ones that came before to be loved and accepted for who you really are- big or small, rich or poor, old or young. 

Do You Look Like Your Boyfriend?

Maybe you should! No I’m not talking growing a beer belly and 5 o’clock shadow, but choosing someone who fits into your life may be the secret to a lasting relationship.

There’s a phenomenon I’ve noticed lately in which the happy couples I know look like they just ‘fit’ together. Examples include:

·         Hipster boho chick and tatted up guy with skinny jeans

·         Shlubby guy in Cowboys jersey and girl in her college hoodie and mom jeans

·         Tan, in-shape brunette and tall muscular dude with a tribal tattoo

·         Aging soccer mom with too much Botox and her wealthy balding husband

·         Conservative rich guy in a button-up and blonde bombshell in killer heels

I’ve heard of people looking like their dogs but what if we approached dating like getting a pet? You need someone who fits into your lifestyle and likes the same things. Same as a dog. If you live in a 400 square foot apartment in Manhattan, you aren’t going to get a Great Dane. Or if you love going on hikes it’s doubtful you’ll buy a Maltese. You choose a pet based on your lifestyle- why not a mate?

This best applies to a first date. Besides being attracted to someone, you have to share some common interests in order to keep the relationship going. So next time you’re getting to know that cute Match.com guy over coffee, stray away from the typical first date “where’d you go to college” chatter and ask what you really need to know, depending on what you like to do. I say this because realistically, if you marry a guy who loves hockey more than life, you’re going to spend a good portion of your life in a rink eating jumbo pretzels and drinking foamy beer.

Here are a few key questions to ask and what style to spot:

For the athletic, healthy chick:

1.      Do you workout? (if so, what specific gym)

2.      Do you eat healthy usually? (so you can make gluten-free paleo dinners together)

·         Look for muscle-tees, warm-ups, fancy running shoes

For the luxurious, girlie girl:

1.      Do you like fine dining? (if he doesn’t know what this means then you’re doomed to Denny’s)

2.      What vacations are you planning this year? (for your first kiss at the Eiffel Tower)

·         Look for a tailored suit, well-groomed hair, cuff-links

For the sporty, laid back lady:

1.      What’s your favorite sport to watch? (and favorite team)

2.      What sports did you play as a kid? (so you can join a league together)

·         Look for jeans, football jersey, ball-cap

For the driven, goal-oriented woman:

1.      Where do you see yourself in 5 years? (to tell if he’s serious or not)

2.      Do you own or rent? (also to gage if he’s motivated for success and stability)

·         Look for an unwrinkled button-up, nice watch, name-brand sunglasses

For the indie, music lover girl:

1.      What shows have you seen recently?

2.      How many tattoos do you have?

·         Look for skinny pants, flannel, hair that’s shaved on sides and long on top

The key ingredient in this pie is that all the couples that I’ve worked with that look and act similar have a lot of things in common. That’s why they dress and act alike. It just makes sense. If you love TV more than you talk to your family, you probably are not compatible with a guy who doesn’t even have Netflix and spends his free-time babysitting his niece. You would be bored to tears if, instead of binge-watching The Walking Dead, your Saturday nights were spent at his sister’s house changing diapers.

Relationships work when people spend a significant amount of quality time together, usually doing something they both enjoy. Since you can’t have sex 24/7, you need other activities that are fun for you and him. Similar hobbies also means similar lifestyles, goals, values….You get the picture. Don’t get me wrong, it’s healthy to have a life outside your relationship. If your man doesn’t want to watch a romantic comedy with a gallon of frozen yogurt, that’s okay. That is what girlfriends are for. But in general, you both should like the same stuff.

So the next time you’re about to go out with the cute bartender who asked you out after your third Chardonnay, remember to look and listen for the key things that you like and need in a partner. You may not end up with your twin, but perhaps you will find a guy who happens to love going out every night with friends or is excited to go for a run and then go shopping for new workout gear. If you’re a Zen goddess who loves kale and yoga and he is a Republican with a gun collection and a farmer’s tan it probably won’t work out.

We choose the car that suits us, the dog we are meant for, and the clothes we love- why not choose the type of man who fits into our lives just as well?