When I was a kid I remember loving the circus. The lions, the creepy clowns, the $10 cotton candy- it was all amazing to me. I even liked the trapeeze artists who soared in the air and the acrobats that could balance 6 plates in the air with their teeth. Nowadays Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey seems to have disappeared, which is probably good after the animal mistreatment allegations popped up. But what stuck with me was those darn acrobats and how well they could balance. It seemed impossible! All my life I've struggled with balance. I tend to lean towards all-or-nothing thinking, so either I do something 1000% or not at all. This leads to me quickly burning out on things. I remember the time when I thought I would try acting and begged my mom for classes. I went every week with joy...for about 3 weeks. Then the novelty wore off and I was no longer obsessed with learning about acting. All I wanted to do was blow off the classes because I was tired of focusing 24/7 on "the craft."
My point is that life is a constant balancing act: school, work, family, friends, love. It's really hard! We tend to overdo somethings and underdo others. Family gets neglected due to due the excitement of a new relationship. Exercise goes by the wayside when work gets crazy. School grades slip when bills need to get paid. Keeping all of our priorities in line is hard work. But what I have noticed in the clients I have worked with, and in my own life, is that following a life of balance is essential for happiness. Anything done too much, even eating kale, is negative to maintaining balance in your life.
The balance I want to focus on specifically is relationship balance. What I mean by that is putting enough energy into your partner. Relationships need nurturing and care- especially long-term ones. Sometimes we take our lovers for granted and do not prioiritize them because they've always been there. Add in kids and that balance can get out of wack really fast. What happens when the kids come before your relationship? Answer: nothing good. To be completely honest, I do speak about children from a childless place. However, as a therapist I have seen countless couples who have neglected their own union because of their chilren, to disasterous results. The closeness dies because you no longer talk about each other (or do things alone) and instead, it's all about the kids. Of course you need to make your children a priority, but remember that you and your spouse existed before they did. No one 'has' to be married, it's a choice. Making that choice everyday can be hard some days, but the good should outweigh the bad- the scale should tip towards the positive.
Balance 'you' time with 'us' time. Balance work with play. Balance salad with ice cream. Balance water with wine. Above all, remember that those acrobats didn't start off with instantly balancing all those plates or walking on that thin of a rope. It took time, practice, and falling a million times but getting back up. Don't punish yourself if you forget to call your mom because of your big project at work or date night goes by the wayside due to your little boy's school play. Life will get out of balance sometimes, that is a guarantee. Recognizing that and continuing to work on restoring that balance will go wonders for keeping you sane, happy and healthy. We all walk our version of a tightrope, even if we've never been to the circus.
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Breaking Boundaries: How to Cope with a Partner's Past
People are like magnets. Drawn to each other with unexplained, intangible chemistry. In my work with couples and individuals struggling with trouble communicating or having a fulfilling sex life, what I have witnessed is that there is reason we choose our lovers. It's not just physical attraction alone. That may be the initial draw, but what holds people together is often subconsciously motivated. There are those couples that seem to like constantly arguing and those that thrive on going out nightly for social events.
And then there other underlying dynamics that bind us to each other- things like a shared history of trauma or mental illness. When you come from a healthy family system, it's hard to relate when your partner hasn't spoken to her father in 10 years or never met his biological mom. Often times, what I see as a therapist is that the very things that draw us to someone can wear out the relationship over time if not addressed. But what really is interesting is that we tend to repeat our family patterns as adults. Subconsciously, we try to 'fix' our childhood wounds.
One of the most crucial areas I have seen these patterns repeat is with our romantic relationships. Specifically with trauma. That is the reason that children from a domestic violence background marry men who abuse them or why men who were enmeshed emotionally with their mothers have unhealthy anger towards women. Trauma is like a wound that never got stitches. The scar is there and we tend to look for others with the same mark.
But what do you do when your partner was sexually abused as a child? Surprisingly (and incredibly sad), it's incredibly common. One San Francisco study reported that 38% of women had been sexually molested as children (according to Heather Smith from healthyplace.com). And that is only what is remembered and shared. Often we repress memories of sexual abuse (which has MANY forms, from rape to touching/fondling to being exposed to inappropriate/sexualized language ), because it's a method of self-protection. How can you be expected to have a healthy sex life when sex itself was forced upon you? This can be very confusing for the victim and their partner, who often puts the blame on their shoulders for problems in bed.
The most important thing to remember when your partner's boundaries have been violated from an early or later age is that it's not about you. Someone who has survived trauma is just that- a survivor. You cannot go through something awful and not have wounds. Usually they are not visible, but they can be. Would you feel responsible if your partner had lost a leg in war, affecting their body image? Of course not! Remember that with sexual abuse. We cannot talk about sex without tying it to many things, from body image to boundaries.
In being a supportive partner, what is really needed is safety and empowerment. I recommend survivors of sexual abuse to attend therapy for their own healing. If their dynamics as an individual are greatly impacting their partnership or sex life, then I also recommend couples therapy so a trained professional can help navigate those choppy waters. Partners need to remember to not guilt/shame their lovers. That is only re-enacting the trauma and creates further emotional distance.
Like I mentioned earlier, there is likely a deeper reason that people find each other. Perhaps your own family situation placed you as the caregiver, so you chose a partner who needed rescuing. Or maybe you were the eldest child, used to being in control, and were drawn to a person who depended on you for security. Whatever the reason is, remember that we are all scared in some way from childhood wounds, just in different ways. Have compassion and understanding for your partner's journey. You can never know how rocky it's been because it isn't your life, it's theirs.
And then there other underlying dynamics that bind us to each other- things like a shared history of trauma or mental illness. When you come from a healthy family system, it's hard to relate when your partner hasn't spoken to her father in 10 years or never met his biological mom. Often times, what I see as a therapist is that the very things that draw us to someone can wear out the relationship over time if not addressed. But what really is interesting is that we tend to repeat our family patterns as adults. Subconsciously, we try to 'fix' our childhood wounds.
One of the most crucial areas I have seen these patterns repeat is with our romantic relationships. Specifically with trauma. That is the reason that children from a domestic violence background marry men who abuse them or why men who were enmeshed emotionally with their mothers have unhealthy anger towards women. Trauma is like a wound that never got stitches. The scar is there and we tend to look for others with the same mark.
But what do you do when your partner was sexually abused as a child? Surprisingly (and incredibly sad), it's incredibly common. One San Francisco study reported that 38% of women had been sexually molested as children (according to Heather Smith from healthyplace.com). And that is only what is remembered and shared. Often we repress memories of sexual abuse (which has MANY forms, from rape to touching/fondling to being exposed to inappropriate/sexualized language ), because it's a method of self-protection. How can you be expected to have a healthy sex life when sex itself was forced upon you? This can be very confusing for the victim and their partner, who often puts the blame on their shoulders for problems in bed.
The most important thing to remember when your partner's boundaries have been violated from an early or later age is that it's not about you. Someone who has survived trauma is just that- a survivor. You cannot go through something awful and not have wounds. Usually they are not visible, but they can be. Would you feel responsible if your partner had lost a leg in war, affecting their body image? Of course not! Remember that with sexual abuse. We cannot talk about sex without tying it to many things, from body image to boundaries.
In being a supportive partner, what is really needed is safety and empowerment. I recommend survivors of sexual abuse to attend therapy for their own healing. If their dynamics as an individual are greatly impacting their partnership or sex life, then I also recommend couples therapy so a trained professional can help navigate those choppy waters. Partners need to remember to not guilt/shame their lovers. That is only re-enacting the trauma and creates further emotional distance.
Like I mentioned earlier, there is likely a deeper reason that people find each other. Perhaps your own family situation placed you as the caregiver, so you chose a partner who needed rescuing. Or maybe you were the eldest child, used to being in control, and were drawn to a person who depended on you for security. Whatever the reason is, remember that we are all scared in some way from childhood wounds, just in different ways. Have compassion and understanding for your partner's journey. You can never know how rocky it's been because it isn't your life, it's theirs.
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Never Trust a Man with a Ponytail and 10 Other Lessons I've Learned About Men
I thought I'd write a quick post today with an eye-catching title for all the ladies out there. There are a few things I have noticed about men in my nearly 30 years that I want to share with you all. Of course I say these (half) jokingly. So here goes!
1. Men are pretty simple: feed them, love them, support them.
2. Never say a bad word about a man's mother. Enough said.
3. If a man's pants are tighter than yours don't be surprised if he spends more time with his "guy friends" than you. They're not just playing X-Box.
4. Manners make the man (okay this is a quote from "The Kingsman" but it's true!)- men who treat women like women (pulling out a chair, opening the car door) are worth their weight in gold.
5. There's a difference between being friendly and flirting. Men know it and so do you. If your man crosses the line (or if you do)- something is missing. Talk about it.
6. Men hate nagging. They don't want to kiss/cuddle/touch their mothers. Even if he leaves the dishes in the sink for the 100th time just let it go! Unless you want your bed to be just a place to sleep.
7. Men like being taken care of too. Little stuff like writing him love letters or doing his laundry go a long way.
8. Men brag too (about us women). So give him something to brag (not complain) about. Be kind. Buy him a beer. Dress up just because. Trust me, he'll do the same.
9. Boys will be boys. No I don't mean that they will chase tail and that's okay, because it's NOT. But men like doing 'boy' stuff like football, fighting, getting dirty, talking about cars and sports for hours on end. Let him do him. Join in if he asks, but otherwise, let him be a guy.
10. Never trust a man who's obsessed with his reflection and spends more time getting ready than you do. (or who has a ponytail and borrows your hair ties)
Hope this helps you lovely ladies out there navigating the challenging but wonderful world of dating and relationships. :)
1. Men are pretty simple: feed them, love them, support them.
2. Never say a bad word about a man's mother. Enough said.
3. If a man's pants are tighter than yours don't be surprised if he spends more time with his "guy friends" than you. They're not just playing X-Box.
4. Manners make the man (okay this is a quote from "The Kingsman" but it's true!)- men who treat women like women (pulling out a chair, opening the car door) are worth their weight in gold.
5. There's a difference between being friendly and flirting. Men know it and so do you. If your man crosses the line (or if you do)- something is missing. Talk about it.
6. Men hate nagging. They don't want to kiss/cuddle/touch their mothers. Even if he leaves the dishes in the sink for the 100th time just let it go! Unless you want your bed to be just a place to sleep.
7. Men like being taken care of too. Little stuff like writing him love letters or doing his laundry go a long way.
8. Men brag too (about us women). So give him something to brag (not complain) about. Be kind. Buy him a beer. Dress up just because. Trust me, he'll do the same.
9. Boys will be boys. No I don't mean that they will chase tail and that's okay, because it's NOT. But men like doing 'boy' stuff like football, fighting, getting dirty, talking about cars and sports for hours on end. Let him do him. Join in if he asks, but otherwise, let him be a guy.
10. Never trust a man who's obsessed with his reflection and spends more time getting ready than you do. (or who has a ponytail and borrows your hair ties)
Hope this helps you lovely ladies out there navigating the challenging but wonderful world of dating and relationships. :)
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Ted Explains How to Be Happy
I have recently been obsessed with watching "Ted Talks." They are not just fascinating, but I feel like I'm learning a lot at the same time. I've been drawn especially to talks regarding happiness and how some people feel it easily while others chase it so diligently (and unsuccessfully). Two in particular caught my eye by their amazing titles: the first was, "My Philosophy for a Happy Life" by Sam Berns, and the other was "Three Words That Will Change Your Life," by Dr. Mark Holder. The first was by a young teenager (Sam), with progeria, a rare genetic disease that causes premature aging (aka Benjamin Button disease). His motto was basically to appreciate what you CAN do, not lament or moan about what you can't. This is a kid who was not attractive, athletic, rich, or healthy, but spent every day on this planet being ridiculously joyful for what he COULD do: play drums in the marching band, spend time with friends, inspire others to live a fuller life. I later found out that Sam died at age 17 from his disease. Honestly, that news made me realize his message was even more true because life is so precious and short. Sam didn't even get to celebrate his 18th birthday. I'm turning 30 this year. I feel immensely grateful just for that fact alone, and the simple truth that I am healthy, in love, and don't go to bed hungry every night...or ever. Millions (probably billions) of people cannot say the same.
The other Ted talk, "Three Words That Will Change Your Life," was inspiring in a different way. Dr. Holder explained that for humans, happiness is inextricably linked to their relationships. We need to be bonded to others. If not, we bond to other things to self-medicate our loneliness, especially if we have suffered trauma and need to numb ourselves from life (leading to sex, drugs, and/or food addiction). People who are genuinely happy have close, loving relationships with others. They spend time nurturing these intimate friendships. They feel understood and heard, as well as safe enough to be close to others. The aforementioned three words that will change your life are: "tell me more," because saying them to someone instantly bonds them to you. Try it with your next conversation and instead of zoning out or interrupting, really make an effort to hear what your friends are saying. That is what builds connection and that connection leads to increased happiness.
Dr. Holder also explained that the happiness of your partner directly correlates with your own happiness. That completely makes sense to me, because I struggle with being completely happy when my husband is sad. He is such a big part of my life that I cannot imagine being care-free when he's upset. I have no doubt that many people can relate to this issue. I mean this not in a codependent, unhealthy way, but as an expression of the connection with my mate.
I wanted to share both of these talks because I think we all get caught up in the stress of our lives and the quest for what is "enough," that we forget to slow down and examine what truly make us smile. Happiness is being grateful that you are not in pain or hungry. Happiness is not what you can buy, it's appreciating who you are and who loves you. If only Sam had been so lucky to see what gifts lie beyond the teenage years! But honestly, he wouldn't see his death as "I wish I could have lived to see another birthday." Instead, he would see it as, "I'm so happy and grateful I got to celebrate 17 of them." Rest in peace buddy.
The other Ted talk, "Three Words That Will Change Your Life," was inspiring in a different way. Dr. Holder explained that for humans, happiness is inextricably linked to their relationships. We need to be bonded to others. If not, we bond to other things to self-medicate our loneliness, especially if we have suffered trauma and need to numb ourselves from life (leading to sex, drugs, and/or food addiction). People who are genuinely happy have close, loving relationships with others. They spend time nurturing these intimate friendships. They feel understood and heard, as well as safe enough to be close to others. The aforementioned three words that will change your life are: "tell me more," because saying them to someone instantly bonds them to you. Try it with your next conversation and instead of zoning out or interrupting, really make an effort to hear what your friends are saying. That is what builds connection and that connection leads to increased happiness.
Dr. Holder also explained that the happiness of your partner directly correlates with your own happiness. That completely makes sense to me, because I struggle with being completely happy when my husband is sad. He is such a big part of my life that I cannot imagine being care-free when he's upset. I have no doubt that many people can relate to this issue. I mean this not in a codependent, unhealthy way, but as an expression of the connection with my mate.
I wanted to share both of these talks because I think we all get caught up in the stress of our lives and the quest for what is "enough," that we forget to slow down and examine what truly make us smile. Happiness is being grateful that you are not in pain or hungry. Happiness is not what you can buy, it's appreciating who you are and who loves you. If only Sam had been so lucky to see what gifts lie beyond the teenage years! But honestly, he wouldn't see his death as "I wish I could have lived to see another birthday." Instead, he would see it as, "I'm so happy and grateful I got to celebrate 17 of them." Rest in peace buddy.
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