How Movies Lie About Relationships

When I was an awkward teenage girl, I was addicted to "rom-coms," aka romantic comedies. They showed dating as so much fun! First you'd meet a drop-dead gorgeous guy who saw past your shy exterior and asked you out on a date. Then you'd spend all day and night laughing and drinking wine at fancy restaurants with perfect outfits while you stared into each others eyes. Flash forward to a few dates later with passionate kissing, love-making and breakfast in bed.
It all seemed so carefree and exciting. But it also was (and is) a fantasy. When I actually began dating for real, I realized that all the rom-com movies I had watched had brainwashed me into thinking that relationships were all about champagne and looking good. The reality is a lot messier. But also deeper and more beautiful. To help out all of those out there still struggling with finding "The One" (another lie), I've compiled a list of ways movies/books/media tricks us into falling for the fantasy.

1. No one makes out at 6am before brushing their teeth or using the restroom. Morning breath is real and unfortunately gross for everyone.

2. People usually take turns paying after the relationship has turned to "exclusive" status. Sorry ladies, but expecting him to pay 100% is just not fair. It's 2016, not 1950.

3. Real couples fight, talk about it (aka healthy communication), and then make-up. They usually don't fight and then either have passionate make-up sex or break up for good without ever talking about the problem.

4. People have body odor, pit stains, lipstick on their teeth, dandruff, dry skin, stains on their clothes, and a million other body-related normal things. Actors and actresses have a team of 100 people to make sure they look perfect before they go on-screen. The rest of us are bound to have embarrassing things happen to us on a date.

5. Women have periods. And have to pee a lot usually too. So do men! And they fart and stink up the bathroom as well. Let's face it, life is messy and gross sometimes.

6. Romantic comedies almost always have a happy ending. In real life, the majority of our romantic relationships will end. But all of those failed relationships teach us how to act, what we like (and don't), and above all, make us really appreciate when we do find a good match.

7. Real people are not plastic-surgery perfected supermodels. Real people have curves, rolls, body hair, cellulite, stretch marks, moles, and all sorts of 'blemishes.' Letting go of that search for the most handsome man or most beautiful woman is all part of realizing the superficial fantasy is standing in your way of finding someone you can actually laugh with and are attracted to.

8. Unlike "The Bachelor," in relationships people talk about practical things and their dreams. Sometimes you'll have a 20-minute conversation with your wife about what diapers are the best brand to buy or whose turn it is to do the dishes. Other times you'll cry together about your dad who passed away or the time you lost your beloved family pet. Movies and TV show us pretty people who spend that time gazing into each others eyes and talking about how much they both LOVE kittens and Mexican food- wow a perfect match! (insert sarcasm here) No wonder those 'relationships' end after the 6-week contract minimum, or after the credits end.

This list could go on and on, but what I want to pass on is something I wish I had learned when I was that lonely, date-less 16-year old: real people have faults and that's okay. It's even a good thing! I love laughing at how my husband and I both would rather watch Netflix and eat leftovers than go out. I love his so-called flaws, because they make mine okay too. Acceptance is what is real love is about, not perfection. And that's much better than a perfect Hollywood ending.

How Learning Appreciation Will Change Your Life

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I had a difficult time with hearing constructive criticism from some of my clients. Driving home, I was pissed. Not only is it hard for me to hear anything negative, but it's especially hard when you feel like you did your best and it still wasn't good enough. I wanted to drown my feelings in a pint of Ben and Jerry's and vent to my husband for a half hour.

But on my irritated drive home, while I was muttering to myself in the car, I looked over and what I saw completely changed my outlook. There was a man on the sidewalk in a wheelchair, barely getting by. He obviously had a rougher day than me, and likely a much harder life. I didn't feel pity for him, but instead saw the truth of the situation. And the reality of my life hit me like a ton of bricks. Here I was, bitching about getting "less than glowing" comments (that are probably true, which is why I was so triggered by them), and this man cannot even walk. Really? I can't complain about 20 minutes of criticism when I have so much to be grateful for.

I think we all can relate to having a bad day and many of us have experienced not-so-positive feedback from our bosses, colleagues, or for my therapist friends out there, our clients. It sucks to hear that stuff. But let's be real, we live in America, many of us have shelter, a job, food, use of our limbs, and a full life of friends and family. We don't really have that much to complain about compared to millions (actually probably more like billions) of humans that get by on so much less, and are happy! Perspective is everything.

The point is that true growth is hard. It hurts our egos to hear what we need to improve on. But if we take our pride out of the equation and look at the bigger picture, it's clear that there are always things to feel grateful for. That perspective will save you a whole lot of anger. Instead of ruminating on things that go wrong, learn from what you did or didn't do, and move on. Open your eyes to the fact that life isn't always easy or beautiful, but looking it at with negativity will only keep you bitter and stuck. Who wants to live like that?

So today is a new day and I have let go of the anger I felt by being confronted with some hard truths by my clients. I want to thank the universe for showing me that I have a million things to feel appreciative for, and so do you. No matter what goes wrong (death, illness, loss, pain), there is always something to feel grateful for. Even the little things like the smell of your morning coffee, the way your dog looks at you with undying devotion, or getting a text from your best friend. Those are the moments we tend to overlook but also make life so sweet.

It may take some reaching at times when you feel so low that you feel you will never smile again. But that appreciation will change your life. Make it a daily practice to remind yourself of what you feel grateful for. I do it before I go to bed, as I'm saying my prayers. You can do it on your drive to work or maybe while you brush your teeth. For the couples out there, it can be incredibly bonding to share what you appreciate about each other.

Of course there will be times when we all will get angry or defensive. That's okay! After you give yourself time to be mad, look around you. Look at the bigger picture. It's amazing how that frustration will lessen if you simply appreciate other parts of your life.

Five Essential Self-Care Strategies To Keep You Healthy and Out of Therapy!

In my work as a mental health therapist, the overall goal is to stop seeing my clients. That may sound weird but I don't want my clients to have to see me. I want them to learn how to be happy and healthy on their own. In addition to helping clients process buried trauma and resolve problems such as depression and anxiety, my job is to teach them the daily living skills that they can practice to keep them off my couch.

To that end, there are five major areas that I notice clients tend to neglect the most: sleep, food, exercise, friends and hobbies. Below I will briefly explain how if you just take the time to nurture these parts of your life, not only will you have a lesser chance of experiencing depression and anxiety, but studies have shown you'll live longer and will report increased happiness as well.

1. Sleep. We all need to sleep. The amount varies based on your body, but get to know the amount of hours you need to sleep to feel your best. Then try hard to meet that number on a nightly basis. It may mean turning off the Netflix an hour earlier, but it will pay off in increased health and well-being.
We all are crankier, less productive and more likely to eat junk when we are sleep-deprived. Who wants to live like that?

2. Food. This is hard because we can all easily eat our feelings. Plus, with our busy lives, fast food is just easier (and sometimes cheaper) than meal-prepping every night for 2 hours. But if you eat crap on a consistent basis you will not only feel gross, your body will show the damage as well. Food can either be the quickest form of medicine or the slowest form of poison. Notice how you feel after a healthy lunch (awake, energized) versus how you feel after a greasy burger (tired, bogged down).

3. Exercise. Move you body on a daily basis. Walking counts! Most of us spend how many hours either sitting at a desk or in traffic (or both)? That sedentary lifestyle not only degrades your body, but it has lasting effects on your mood too. Daily exercise (in any form that you semi-like) is crucial to keeping depression and anxiety at bay. Plus it helps you look good too, which affects your self-esteem in a positive way.

4. Friends. No man is an island. We all need friends to connect with. Introverts, extroverts, it doesn't matter. Especially if you are not in a relationship (but even if you are), you need people to talk to, vent to, laugh with. Friends pick us up when we are down and accept us for who we are. Life is lonely without people to do things with.

5. Hobbies. Like the great Jack Nicholson once said in The Shining, 'All work and no play make Jack a dull boy!' Life is not all about work. We all need to have fun and do the things we used to do when we were kids and didn't HAVE to work to survive. What did you used to do as a kid? Baseball, art, writing? When was the last time you did that? Hobbies keep us young and make life worth living. Don't use the old "I don't have time" excuse. Do you have time to watch TV? Go on Facebook? Then you have time to do something you love.

This list is short but it really is important. So you don't have to pay me (or anyone else) for therapy, practice these 5 strategies on a daily basis to keep the blues at bay. When you take care of yourself, your mind and body will repay you.