There is nothing like a greasy, salty, delicious bag of crunchy potato chips. Once you start eating, there is no way to stop a just one chip. But after you devour half a bag or so, you feel gross. The craving is satisfied but you are left with slimy hands and a pit in your stomach.
This is a metaphor for so many things in life. Especially things that are not good for your soul. What you expose your mind and your body to envelopes your life. If you feed your mind with knowledge, it will grow. If you nourish your body with healthy food, it too will thrive. And if you take time to nurture your spirit, peace will find its way into your world.
So why does this seem easier said than done? Because it can be near impossible to stop at one chip. Or end an emotionally lacking relationship that has intense passion. Or make yourself go for a walk when your body is begging you to stay in bed. Or read a book when there's a Modern Family marathon on TV. Point being, if you fill your life (and body and soul), with trash and empty calories, you will not grow. (at least, not in the good way)
No one is perfect. Sometimes all you need is a potato chip binge. From time to time, that can be good for your soul. But not if you find yourself constantly going to that same old bag of chips, day after day. And not if you use those chips to avoid feeling lonely or depressed. And not if you wake up with regret the next day. Any habit that drains you and doesn't help you is not a good habit to have.
Taking care of yourself sometimes means putting down the remote and going for a walk. Or choosing to go out with a friend instead of staying at home by yourself. Or even ending that relationship you know deep inside isn't going anywhere.
Next time that shiny chip bag calls your name, remember this: they will never fill you up, never leave you satisfied. You will constantly be hungry if you don't give your body, mind and soul, the high quality nourishment you need and ultimately deserve.
Friday, September 16, 2016
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Top 3 Reasons Why Friendships Save Your Relationship
I once saw a client who would get furious when her husband left her on the weekends to hang out with his buddies. I could empathize with her because of her natural feelings of loneliness and fear. She struggled with not feeling like a priority when her partner chose beer and his buddies over quality time with her. While I don't advocate spending every weekend with your friends due to the obvious hurt it causes your partner, there is something very special and necessary about friend time in a marriage, or any relationship really. Here are 3 reasons why it's important for you to have time with your friends apart from your partner:
1. Girl talk and guy talk are two very different (and necessary) things. They don't want to talk about "The Bachelor" and we don't want to listen to them argue over sports. Yes, I am being highly stereotypical (and heteronormative), of course there are women who love sports and men who love reality TV, but I am speaking in general here. There are some topics best discussed between women, away from men's ears. And there are some things that men talk about that women cannot relate to simply because they are not men! For same-sex couples, there may be a gender difference in regards to friends, but the message is the same: friends are needed to share things that perhaps your spouse isn't interested in, be in hunting, gardening, painting, Game of Thrones....whatever!
2. Being apart makes love grow stronger. When you are home and she is out with her girlfriends, there's a nostalgia that builds. You both experience what it's like to be alone and if it's the right relationship, after awhile you miss each other. Especially if you're hit on by a creepy guy or spend the night listening to your single friends bemoan the dating scene. Suddenly you see your same-old, perhaps taken-for-granted spouse, in a whole new light.
3. You get relationship advice. Whether you're getting coffee with your girlfriend who's been married 10+ years or dinner with your buddy from college who vows to never settle down, they offer a different perspective on whatever issues, good or bad, that you are currently dealing with in your relationship. Friends offer hugs when you share you're pregnant, smiles when you laugh over messy spouses, and empathy when you are recovering from a bad fight.
Friends also offer a different kind of support than your partner, no matter how wonderful they are. While double dates and mutual/couple friends are also an important part of growing a life together, there is something to be said about spending the day with that one friend who knew you before you were a "we." For both men and women, that's a special thing. Don't take that away from each other. Balance "we" time, alone time, friend time and family time. Because too much of anything is not a good thing, even with the person you love.
1. Girl talk and guy talk are two very different (and necessary) things. They don't want to talk about "The Bachelor" and we don't want to listen to them argue over sports. Yes, I am being highly stereotypical (and heteronormative), of course there are women who love sports and men who love reality TV, but I am speaking in general here. There are some topics best discussed between women, away from men's ears. And there are some things that men talk about that women cannot relate to simply because they are not men! For same-sex couples, there may be a gender difference in regards to friends, but the message is the same: friends are needed to share things that perhaps your spouse isn't interested in, be in hunting, gardening, painting, Game of Thrones....whatever!
2. Being apart makes love grow stronger. When you are home and she is out with her girlfriends, there's a nostalgia that builds. You both experience what it's like to be alone and if it's the right relationship, after awhile you miss each other. Especially if you're hit on by a creepy guy or spend the night listening to your single friends bemoan the dating scene. Suddenly you see your same-old, perhaps taken-for-granted spouse, in a whole new light.
3. You get relationship advice. Whether you're getting coffee with your girlfriend who's been married 10+ years or dinner with your buddy from college who vows to never settle down, they offer a different perspective on whatever issues, good or bad, that you are currently dealing with in your relationship. Friends offer hugs when you share you're pregnant, smiles when you laugh over messy spouses, and empathy when you are recovering from a bad fight.
Friends also offer a different kind of support than your partner, no matter how wonderful they are. While double dates and mutual/couple friends are also an important part of growing a life together, there is something to be said about spending the day with that one friend who knew you before you were a "we." For both men and women, that's a special thing. Don't take that away from each other. Balance "we" time, alone time, friend time and family time. Because too much of anything is not a good thing, even with the person you love.
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Taking Turns: How Equality in a Relationship Shifts
Can you relate to being a kid and screaming, "But it's not fair!" when you didn't get your way? And your mom would predictably let you know that, "Life is not fair." As much as you couldn't understand it then, mom was right. Life often is not fair and that's a hard pill to swallow as a child when we learn for the first time how to cope with inevitable disappointments from parents, friends and teachers.
What about relationships? Are they fair? Not always. In my work with couples this issue comes up often. One person will feel neglected when the other has a period of time where, for whatever reason, be it work/illness/family issues, they require more attention. The couple dynamic suffers often because the balance shifts. It's no longer "fair." The neglected person feels that they are not being valued or listened to. In other words, they feel their needs are not getting met.
So what do I tell them? For starters, I repeat those words that my mom told me some 20 years ago. You are absolutely right, it is not fair. And you have to be okay with that. Because in reality, relationships require trading off. There will be some times (days, months, maybe even years), when one person will really need that extra support from their partner. And the dynamic shifts remarkably. Some couples cannot stand these cosmic shifts and crumble with the new relationship structure.
Don't get me wrong: I am not advocating just being the supportive spouse 100% of the time while your needs go completely unmet. This is where I want to shout to my clients: COMMUNICATE!!
Tell your lover what you need. Below are a few examples of ways to balance the partnership again so you are not left feeling disconnected:
Ask for:
1. Physical connection (hug, kiss, sex)
2. A date night where you can talk and reconnect
3. Time for you to be the one to vent and share about your day/life (some couples trade off with 10 min a day spent reviewing how they are feeling and each person takes a turn)
4. Whatever else you need
Remember you timing as well. The best time to ask for whatever you need is not after a long day where your husband or wife has been dealing with their main issue and is tired, hungry and stressed. It's when things are calm and it is a safe time to talk. (like after the kids are in bed or on the weekends when you have some down time)
Every person in the relationship deserves love, respect and care. No, it won't always be fair or even. Long-term love is not a competition, it's a team effort. When one member gets injured, the other rises up to support them so that when they get hurt in the future, they will have that support in return. It may not be the sexiest of ideas, but it's true. So the next time your love is complaining yet again about their difficult boss, just nod your head and validate their frustrations. Trust me, you will get your 'turn' again. In the meantime, be a rock for the person you love. They will appreciate it and your love will grow even stronger.
What about relationships? Are they fair? Not always. In my work with couples this issue comes up often. One person will feel neglected when the other has a period of time where, for whatever reason, be it work/illness/family issues, they require more attention. The couple dynamic suffers often because the balance shifts. It's no longer "fair." The neglected person feels that they are not being valued or listened to. In other words, they feel their needs are not getting met.
So what do I tell them? For starters, I repeat those words that my mom told me some 20 years ago. You are absolutely right, it is not fair. And you have to be okay with that. Because in reality, relationships require trading off. There will be some times (days, months, maybe even years), when one person will really need that extra support from their partner. And the dynamic shifts remarkably. Some couples cannot stand these cosmic shifts and crumble with the new relationship structure.
Don't get me wrong: I am not advocating just being the supportive spouse 100% of the time while your needs go completely unmet. This is where I want to shout to my clients: COMMUNICATE!!
Tell your lover what you need. Below are a few examples of ways to balance the partnership again so you are not left feeling disconnected:
Ask for:
1. Physical connection (hug, kiss, sex)
2. A date night where you can talk and reconnect
3. Time for you to be the one to vent and share about your day/life (some couples trade off with 10 min a day spent reviewing how they are feeling and each person takes a turn)
4. Whatever else you need
Remember you timing as well. The best time to ask for whatever you need is not after a long day where your husband or wife has been dealing with their main issue and is tired, hungry and stressed. It's when things are calm and it is a safe time to talk. (like after the kids are in bed or on the weekends when you have some down time)
Every person in the relationship deserves love, respect and care. No, it won't always be fair or even. Long-term love is not a competition, it's a team effort. When one member gets injured, the other rises up to support them so that when they get hurt in the future, they will have that support in return. It may not be the sexiest of ideas, but it's true. So the next time your love is complaining yet again about their difficult boss, just nod your head and validate their frustrations. Trust me, you will get your 'turn' again. In the meantime, be a rock for the person you love. They will appreciate it and your love will grow even stronger.
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