How Movies Lie About Relationships

When I was an awkward teenage girl, I was addicted to "rom-coms," aka romantic comedies. They showed dating as so much fun! First you'd meet a drop-dead gorgeous guy who saw past your shy exterior and asked you out on a date. Then you'd spend all day and night laughing and drinking wine at fancy restaurants with perfect outfits while you stared into each others eyes. Flash forward to a few dates later with passionate kissing, love-making and breakfast in bed.
It all seemed so carefree and exciting. But it also was (and is) a fantasy. When I actually began dating for real, I realized that all the rom-com movies I had watched had brainwashed me into thinking that relationships were all about champagne and looking good. The reality is a lot messier. But also deeper and more beautiful. To help out all of those out there still struggling with finding "The One" (another lie), I've compiled a list of ways movies/books/media tricks us into falling for the fantasy.

1. No one makes out at 6am before brushing their teeth or using the restroom. Morning breath is real and unfortunately gross for everyone.

2. People usually take turns paying after the relationship has turned to "exclusive" status. Sorry ladies, but expecting him to pay 100% is just not fair. It's 2016, not 1950.

3. Real couples fight, talk about it (aka healthy communication), and then make-up. They usually don't fight and then either have passionate make-up sex or break up for good without ever talking about the problem.

4. People have body odor, pit stains, lipstick on their teeth, dandruff, dry skin, stains on their clothes, and a million other body-related normal things. Actors and actresses have a team of 100 people to make sure they look perfect before they go on-screen. The rest of us are bound to have embarrassing things happen to us on a date.

5. Women have periods. And have to pee a lot usually too. So do men! And they fart and stink up the bathroom as well. Let's face it, life is messy and gross sometimes.

6. Romantic comedies almost always have a happy ending. In real life, the majority of our romantic relationships will end. But all of those failed relationships teach us how to act, what we like (and don't), and above all, make us really appreciate when we do find a good match.

7. Real people are not plastic-surgery perfected supermodels. Real people have curves, rolls, body hair, cellulite, stretch marks, moles, and all sorts of 'blemishes.' Letting go of that search for the most handsome man or most beautiful woman is all part of realizing the superficial fantasy is standing in your way of finding someone you can actually laugh with and are attracted to.

8. Unlike "The Bachelor," in relationships people talk about practical things and their dreams. Sometimes you'll have a 20-minute conversation with your wife about what diapers are the best brand to buy or whose turn it is to do the dishes. Other times you'll cry together about your dad who passed away or the time you lost your beloved family pet. Movies and TV show us pretty people who spend that time gazing into each others eyes and talking about how much they both LOVE kittens and Mexican food- wow a perfect match! (insert sarcasm here) No wonder those 'relationships' end after the 6-week contract minimum, or after the credits end.

This list could go on and on, but what I want to pass on is something I wish I had learned when I was that lonely, date-less 16-year old: real people have faults and that's okay. It's even a good thing! I love laughing at how my husband and I both would rather watch Netflix and eat leftovers than go out. I love his so-called flaws, because they make mine okay too. Acceptance is what is real love is about, not perfection. And that's much better than a perfect Hollywood ending.

How Learning Appreciation Will Change Your Life

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I had a difficult time with hearing constructive criticism from some of my clients. Driving home, I was pissed. Not only is it hard for me to hear anything negative, but it's especially hard when you feel like you did your best and it still wasn't good enough. I wanted to drown my feelings in a pint of Ben and Jerry's and vent to my husband for a half hour.

But on my irritated drive home, while I was muttering to myself in the car, I looked over and what I saw completely changed my outlook. There was a man on the sidewalk in a wheelchair, barely getting by. He obviously had a rougher day than me, and likely a much harder life. I didn't feel pity for him, but instead saw the truth of the situation. And the reality of my life hit me like a ton of bricks. Here I was, bitching about getting "less than glowing" comments (that are probably true, which is why I was so triggered by them), and this man cannot even walk. Really? I can't complain about 20 minutes of criticism when I have so much to be grateful for.

I think we all can relate to having a bad day and many of us have experienced not-so-positive feedback from our bosses, colleagues, or for my therapist friends out there, our clients. It sucks to hear that stuff. But let's be real, we live in America, many of us have shelter, a job, food, use of our limbs, and a full life of friends and family. We don't really have that much to complain about compared to millions (actually probably more like billions) of humans that get by on so much less, and are happy! Perspective is everything.

The point is that true growth is hard. It hurts our egos to hear what we need to improve on. But if we take our pride out of the equation and look at the bigger picture, it's clear that there are always things to feel grateful for. That perspective will save you a whole lot of anger. Instead of ruminating on things that go wrong, learn from what you did or didn't do, and move on. Open your eyes to the fact that life isn't always easy or beautiful, but looking it at with negativity will only keep you bitter and stuck. Who wants to live like that?

So today is a new day and I have let go of the anger I felt by being confronted with some hard truths by my clients. I want to thank the universe for showing me that I have a million things to feel appreciative for, and so do you. No matter what goes wrong (death, illness, loss, pain), there is always something to feel grateful for. Even the little things like the smell of your morning coffee, the way your dog looks at you with undying devotion, or getting a text from your best friend. Those are the moments we tend to overlook but also make life so sweet.

It may take some reaching at times when you feel so low that you feel you will never smile again. But that appreciation will change your life. Make it a daily practice to remind yourself of what you feel grateful for. I do it before I go to bed, as I'm saying my prayers. You can do it on your drive to work or maybe while you brush your teeth. For the couples out there, it can be incredibly bonding to share what you appreciate about each other.

Of course there will be times when we all will get angry or defensive. That's okay! After you give yourself time to be mad, look around you. Look at the bigger picture. It's amazing how that frustration will lessen if you simply appreciate other parts of your life.

Five Essential Self-Care Strategies To Keep You Healthy and Out of Therapy!

In my work as a mental health therapist, the overall goal is to stop seeing my clients. That may sound weird but I don't want my clients to have to see me. I want them to learn how to be happy and healthy on their own. In addition to helping clients process buried trauma and resolve problems such as depression and anxiety, my job is to teach them the daily living skills that they can practice to keep them off my couch.

To that end, there are five major areas that I notice clients tend to neglect the most: sleep, food, exercise, friends and hobbies. Below I will briefly explain how if you just take the time to nurture these parts of your life, not only will you have a lesser chance of experiencing depression and anxiety, but studies have shown you'll live longer and will report increased happiness as well.

1. Sleep. We all need to sleep. The amount varies based on your body, but get to know the amount of hours you need to sleep to feel your best. Then try hard to meet that number on a nightly basis. It may mean turning off the Netflix an hour earlier, but it will pay off in increased health and well-being.
We all are crankier, less productive and more likely to eat junk when we are sleep-deprived. Who wants to live like that?

2. Food. This is hard because we can all easily eat our feelings. Plus, with our busy lives, fast food is just easier (and sometimes cheaper) than meal-prepping every night for 2 hours. But if you eat crap on a consistent basis you will not only feel gross, your body will show the damage as well. Food can either be the quickest form of medicine or the slowest form of poison. Notice how you feel after a healthy lunch (awake, energized) versus how you feel after a greasy burger (tired, bogged down).

3. Exercise. Move you body on a daily basis. Walking counts! Most of us spend how many hours either sitting at a desk or in traffic (or both)? That sedentary lifestyle not only degrades your body, but it has lasting effects on your mood too. Daily exercise (in any form that you semi-like) is crucial to keeping depression and anxiety at bay. Plus it helps you look good too, which affects your self-esteem in a positive way.

4. Friends. No man is an island. We all need friends to connect with. Introverts, extroverts, it doesn't matter. Especially if you are not in a relationship (but even if you are), you need people to talk to, vent to, laugh with. Friends pick us up when we are down and accept us for who we are. Life is lonely without people to do things with.

5. Hobbies. Like the great Jack Nicholson once said in The Shining, 'All work and no play make Jack a dull boy!' Life is not all about work. We all need to have fun and do the things we used to do when we were kids and didn't HAVE to work to survive. What did you used to do as a kid? Baseball, art, writing? When was the last time you did that? Hobbies keep us young and make life worth living. Don't use the old "I don't have time" excuse. Do you have time to watch TV? Go on Facebook? Then you have time to do something you love.

This list is short but it really is important. So you don't have to pay me (or anyone else) for therapy, practice these 5 strategies on a daily basis to keep the blues at bay. When you take care of yourself, your mind and body will repay you.

When You Didn't Grow Up With The Brady Bunch: How Childhood Abuse Affects Your Life and What to Do About It

While that title is a mouthful, there is so much more to say about childhood abuse. It's like the silent disease millions have but no one ever talks about. Many of us don't think we were "abused." When that word comes to mind, people think of being beaten with a belt or not given food or shelter. But abuse comes in many forms. In my work as a therapist, the most common form I see is neglect. Neglect means not caring for a person's needs. In the case of a child, it references not showing adequate love, withholding physical touch, or even simply often not being physically around. If you have memories of being alone often or not ever feeling like your mom or dad was a 'safe' person to talk to because you knew you weren't going to get the support you needed, you possibly were neglected.

Besides neglect, the broad categories of abuse are physical, emotional, and sexual. Examples include hitting (physical), name-calling/criticism (emotional), and molesting or inappropriate sexual behavior (sexual). Any and all childhood abuse is awful and can leave deep scars, both mentally and on the skin.

So why even bring childhood abuse up? It's in the past, we should all just move on, right? Well that's easier said than done. The lasting effects of being neglected, hit, molested or yelled at as an infant, toddler, adolescent or teen are incredibly immense. Human beings as a species tend to stay with what feels comfortable to them. So if you grow up in an environment that was filled with chaos and uncertainty, that is what you will seek as an adult. That feels 'normal' to you. And that is what you will be drawn to as far as your relationships go; both romantically and friendship-wise. That is why it is crucial to lift the secrecy off of childhood abuse and TALK about it. If you don't free yourself of those negative patterns by examining what needs you didn't get met as child, then every relationship you have as an adult will be you recreating that trauma and abuse. You will unconsciously seek to 'fix' that hole inside you by entering into very similar relationships as the ones you grew up with. 

People often repeat this pattern over and over again, until they resolve that inner conflict and address their underlying pain. Or they turn the turmoil on themselves and their self-esteem is minuscule because their abuse taught them they are worthless, dirty, or of no value. Self-medication and numbing behaviors often follow, such as obsessive TV-watching, overeating, sexual compulsivity, workaholism, and alcohol or drug abuse.

So how does childhood abuse get "solved?" Well for one thing, it doesn't. No one can ever take away that pain completely. And given the chance, while abuse often does create strengths in survivors, I can bet money on the fact that no one would wish their abuse to happen to them (or anyone else, for that matter). But there is a process that you can go through (hopefully with the help of an experienced therapist), that will help you heal and finally end whatever self-destructive cycle you have created to cope with childhood abuse.

1. Acknowledging the abuse: This is simply admitting it happened and talking about it. You are not crazy or a liar. You have a right to speak your truth to whomever you feel is safe to share it with. A therapist, friend, partner, priest. Whomever you feel you can trust to bear witness to your story.
2. Look at the effects of the abuse and how you coped: This is examining what behaviors you have developed as reaction to being abused. For example, staying busy all the time or care taking to others are common reactions to not desiring to focus on yourself and your own pain. These qualities can be strengths because everyone needs to take a break from life every once and awhile, but once they take over your life and become ingrained into your personality, there's a problem. Usually these behaviors are what you would like to change and are what led you to seek therapy.
3. Address your feelings about the abuse: Much like the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance), healing from childhood abuse is a process that will elicit many feelings. We often deny the abuse happened and push it far down to 'forget,' then get angry when we realize it really did happen to us, try to reason our way out of admitting that it affected our lives, feel crushing sadness when we make the connection that the ones who were supposed to take care of us (adults, parents, caregivers) were the ones who hurt us the most, and finally accept that what happened to us was really shitty but we no longer have to re-create that trauma because we have placed it where it belongs: in the past.
4. Understand it wasn't your fault and begin the long-term healing process: This last step is lengthy because it involves changing those internalized messages that you have taught yourself to believe your entire life. Maybe it's "My only value is in my appearance," or "I don't deserve to ask for what I want." That re-parenting is crucial because you cannot continue to live your life as a wounded child. Why? Because that pain does not go away. You can stuff it down, numb it with alcohol, or stay so busy that you do not have time to think let alone cry, but the unmet need will come out in one way or another. 

The positive of all this work is that after you face the trauma(s) and accept them, you can begin to see your value since you no longer are living as a victim of someone else's rage. Realizing you are beautiful, strong, capable and worthy of love is the gift of recovery. As is becoming the person you were meant to be before your persecutor robbed you of the gifts you were meant to share with the world. That lingering depression and anxiety can lift. The constant need to drink can go away. And that uncomfortable feeling around the opposite sex can disappear. It all revolves around truly facing that dark, hidden truth of childhood abuse. If you have a weird feeling or even strong memories of being abused, then it happened to you too. You are not alone. You do not need to continue to "just get by" or re-create the trauma with each abusive relationship you find yourself sucked into.

No one grew up with "The Brady Bunch" family. It just doesn't exist because it's a TV fantasy. But there are very healthy families. I truly hope you found yourself in one of them. But if you did not, you are not ruined. You simply were faced with challenges that those lucky healthy people did not have to endure. You cannot ever change the past, but you can change how you continue to react to it.

Take the power back from those who hurt you. Face the past, work through the pain, and move on with you life. Recognize that pain can create greatness and learn to love the survivor that you are. Love yourself first and give yourself the care, attention and kindness that you did not receive as a child. We may never be able to forget, but we can learn to let go. 

Depression Sucks: Why it Strikes and How to Move Past It

There are very few people I've met in both my professional and personal life who have never gotten a case of the blues, aka felt depressed. I'm not talking about a moment or two of sadness when your favorite restaurant goes out of business or you lose your wallet. No, clinical depression is different. For those who have experienced it, you know how it feels. It's like a dark fog covers your world, making everything seem bland, dull, and joyless. It can range from this persistent apathetic feeling to barely being able to get out of bed in the morning. Usually you lose your appetite or eat far too much, isolate yourself from others, and struggle to do basic things in life because nothing seems to bring any relief from the awful feeling you just can't shake off.

I have worked with many clients whose depression is triggered by an event. It's like there's a switch that flips. One moment, they are feeling pretty good, life is plugging along nicely. Then something bad happens, such as a job loss, breakup or illness, and it hits them like a ton of bricks. Life changes overnight. The severity of the depression depends on many factors: simple genetics, how resilient one is, or how good one's support system is in helping, to name a few. Some people need to go to therapy to work through their feelings of grief and loss and others even need medication to correct a possible chemical imbalance in their brains. The treatment really depends on the person. Usually a treatment professional (therapist, psychologist, doctor) is needed to help you if the depression lasts longer than a couple weeks.

Bereavement is a different process. You need to be sad and mourn the loss of whomever was special in your life that died. It's actually not healthy to keep getting up every day feeling amazing, because likely you're not really connecting to your sadness and burying the emotion. Allow yourself to grieve, and go to therapy to process the loss.

Personally, I have had several bouts of depression in my life and I have found a few ways of dealing with it without using medications, however my case was not a chemical imbalance. Usually the difference is that those with situational depression can change their outlook or process past traumas in their life and eventually find relief, whereas those with a medical issue are more severe and do need a drug, such as an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor), to boost the serotonin in their brain and help them feel better.

I have discovered through my own trial and error and with my clients, a few methods for treating depression so you can get back to living your life. Depression sucks! It's debilitating and makes everything you used to love seem just "eh." Remember that every feeling fades, so it will pass eventually. You can help yourself by not passively waiting to feel better. Actively trying to improve things for yourself so the sun shines again is possible and more effective. See a few ways that have helped me and my clients below:

1. Change your outlook by  making a "Gratitude List." Put down everything you feel grateful for that you have and likely others don't. Even the little things count (my favorite bowl of Frosted Flakes every morning, my legs to walk me places, a place to live, etc).

2. Do something for others. I once volunteered at a homeless shelter when I was feeling pretty down on myself. Man did it change my outlook. Suddenly I saw that my problems were pretty insignificant and I could actually DO something about them. I wasn't hopeless anymore. It also helps improve your self-esteem because you're helping others and that always feels good.

3. Force yourself (if you can) to do things. This seems corny, but the old favorite natural methods for treating depression are classics because they work. Exercise, sunlight, and time with friends all do wonders for helping you feel healthier and less alone. Even getting an animal companion is a natural method of improving depression. It helps with the isolated feeling and gives you a purpose because you have to care for this living thing. Not all of those with depression can do these things, but if you can force yourself to do at least one, chances are you'll feel a least a little better.

4. Go to therapy to talk about what's making you feel so depressed! This may seem like a no-brainer,  but many people (formally myself, I used to think therapy was silly), have a negative connotation when it comes to therapy. People often think going to therapy is only for "crazy" people or it somehow means they can't handle things by themselves and are "weak." Not true. Therapy is like Neosporin. Yes, you could heal that cut on your own, but it'll leave a darker, deeper scar without using Neosporin to help it heal in the cleanest, heathiest way possible.

Hope this helps all of you out there who have ever felt the terrible darkness of depression. Know you are not alone, and there is hope and help out there. You will laugh again. Eventually you'll stop crying. You will be okay.

Why Potato Chips Are a Metaphor For Life

There is nothing like a greasy, salty, delicious bag of crunchy potato chips. Once you start eating, there is no way to stop a just one chip. But after you devour half a bag or so, you feel gross. The craving is satisfied but you are left with slimy hands and a pit in your stomach.

This is a metaphor for so many things in life. Especially things that are not good for your soul. What you expose your mind and your body to envelopes your life. If you feed your mind with knowledge, it will grow. If you nourish your body with healthy food, it too will thrive. And if you take time to nurture your spirit, peace will find its way into your world.

So why does this seem easier said than done? Because it can be near impossible to stop at one chip. Or end an emotionally lacking relationship that has intense passion. Or make yourself go for a walk when your body is begging you to stay in bed. Or read a book when there's a Modern Family marathon on TV. Point being, if you fill your life (and body and soul), with trash and empty calories, you will not grow. (at least, not in the good way)

No one is perfect. Sometimes all you need is a potato chip binge. From time to time, that can be good for your soul. But not if you find yourself constantly going to that same old bag of chips, day after day. And not if you use those chips to avoid feeling lonely or depressed. And not if you wake up with regret the next day. Any habit that drains you and doesn't help you is not a good habit to have.

Taking care of yourself sometimes means putting down the remote and going for a walk. Or choosing to go out with a friend instead of staying at home by yourself. Or even ending that relationship you know deep inside isn't going anywhere.

Next time that shiny chip bag calls your name, remember this: they will never fill you up, never leave you satisfied. You will constantly be hungry if you don't give your body, mind and soul, the high quality nourishment you need and ultimately deserve.

Top 3 Reasons Why Friendships Save Your Relationship

I once saw a client who would get furious when her husband left her on the weekends to hang out with his buddies. I could empathize with her because of her natural feelings of loneliness and fear. She struggled with not feeling like a priority when her partner chose beer and his buddies over quality time with her. While I don't advocate spending every weekend with your friends due to the obvious hurt it causes your partner, there is something very special and necessary about friend time in a marriage, or any relationship really. Here are 3 reasons why it's important for you to have time with your friends apart from your partner:

1. Girl talk and guy talk are two very different (and necessary) things. They don't want to talk about "The Bachelor" and we don't want to listen to them argue over sports. Yes, I am being highly stereotypical (and heteronormative), of course there are women who love sports and men who love reality TV, but I am speaking in general here. There are some topics best discussed between women, away from men's ears. And there are some things that men talk about that women cannot relate to simply because they are not men! For same-sex couples, there may be a gender difference in regards to friends, but the message is the same: friends are needed to share things that perhaps your spouse isn't interested in, be in hunting, gardening, painting, Game of Thrones....whatever!

2. Being apart makes love grow stronger. When you are home and she is out with her girlfriends, there's a nostalgia that builds. You both experience what it's like to be alone and if it's the right relationship, after awhile you miss each other. Especially if you're hit on by a creepy guy or spend the night listening to your single friends bemoan the dating scene. Suddenly you see your same-old, perhaps taken-for-granted spouse, in a whole new light.

3. You get relationship advice. Whether you're getting coffee with your girlfriend who's been married 10+ years or dinner with your buddy from college who vows to never settle down, they offer a different perspective on whatever issues, good or bad, that you are currently dealing with in your relationship. Friends offer hugs when you share you're pregnant, smiles when you laugh over messy spouses, and empathy when you are recovering from a bad fight.

Friends also offer a different kind of support than your partner, no matter how wonderful they are. While double dates and mutual/couple friends are also an important part of growing a life together, there is something to be said about spending the day with that one friend who knew you before you were a "we." For both men and women, that's a special thing. Don't take that away from each other. Balance "we" time, alone time, friend time and family time. Because too much of anything is not a good thing, even with the person you love.