The Porn Trap

As a licensed therapist who specializes in sexual health issues, I get asked a lot of interesting questions, such as:

"Am I a sex addict? I like to have sex, a lot!"
"How do I attract people to date me? I'm so lonely; what am I doing wrong?"
"Sex with my girlfriend/boyfriend has really slowed down. How do I fix it?"
"Everyone watches porn; it's no big deal. But how much is too much? Can it affect my sex life?"

The last one is probably the most common, especially with men. Porn is a multi-billion dollar industry that has truly exploded over the past decade. Many men watch pornography on a daily basis and have no problem with it. When I say 'no problem,' I mean that they can still go to work, have a healthy sex life, and maintain friendships without rushing home to masturbate. If pornography is an addiction, it damages a person's life and preoccupies their time, thoughts and behaviors. It also leads to feeling guilt and shame after countless hours are wasted staring at a screen. That is more of what pornography addiction looks like.

For men (and women) who watch porn more casually, it seems less harmful; right? Sure, these type of people don't lose control of their lives or experience dramatic negative consequences due to porn. But what is the impact on their view of women and fulfilling sex? Millions of young people are being taught "how" to have sex from watching hired men and women engage in intercourse of some type. Yet what porn doesn't teach is intimacy. It shows the physical act of body parts being inserted in someway, but it lacks any type of connection. This can be extremely damaging to how we view sex. Sex becomes less of a way to express desire and longing for a partner and more of a way to have an orgasm with whomever is on the receiving/giving end. I am generalizing of course and referring mostly to heterosexual male/female pornography, however the point of porn lacking intimacy rings true over many demographics and styles. Porn tells us what we should look like, sound like, orgasm like; and they are ALL unrealistic! No one can live up to that, not even the actors or actresses themselves. They have a room of 20 people lighting them and applying makeup ever 5 minutes to ensure the perfect shot. Don't even get me started on the misogynist themes that porn encourages.

I don't mean to preach, but the point I'm trying to make is that porn may seem like sexy fun, but it slowly seduces over time. More and more exposure creates grooves in our brain. Meaning the first time you see a man ejaculate on a girl's face it's shocking, but the 5th time it's 'normal.' This also leads to the desire to recreate situations in porn movies. Once again, it's about the act or the novelty of the act, not the other person. This takes the greatest part of sex (connecting with a lover) away from the experience. Of course not every person you have sex with is your soul mate, but they are a human being. Intimacy with someone whom you like is great and someone you love is even better.

I know many people won't change their minds about online pornography after reading this, but the next time you do watch it try looking at what's actually going on. Look for typical things that happen during real sex: eye contact, kissing, cuddling, non-flat stomachs giggling. Chances are you won't see that. Chances are you won't find anything real at all.

Why Self-Care is Essential for You and Your Relationship

Today I sweated my buns off in spin class, walked to the dog park, and cooked up some delicious (and healthy) food for the week. It was a good day, my only day off during the week. Those things I did today make me happy. But that's just me. For my husband, a day off would include a couple of cold beers, a football game and a bunch of good friends to hang with. Either way, taking time for yourself is essential to recharging your batteries before a week of work and stress. Some people, like myself, recharge by being alone, while others, like my extroverted hubby, love being around others. When you allow yourself time and money to be spent on things that make you feel alive and joyful, you are able to be more present for your work, your spouse, and most importantly- yourself. I suggest varying the things you do so that you combine relaxing activities (like TV watching, naps, going to the movies) with fun, new hobbies to expand your personality (like taking an art class or trying a new cuisine). Whatever it is that makes your feel alive, do it for yourself. Life is too short to spend it focusing only on work and bills. So relax, kick back, and take care of yourself. Your mood will improve and your life will too.

Love is....

How would you finish this question? The answer differs for everyone, and there is no 'right' one. The Merriam-Webster defines love as, "A feeling of strong or constant affection for a person." You could love your mom, lover, best friend or pet (because they are people too, in my opinion). I think the answer to this question tells you a lot about a person. If someone thinks love is feeling safe, they need someone who protects them and offers reassurance. If they say love is feeling beautiful, they want compliments and validation. If they say love is security, they need someone who is stable and safe. If they feel love is an adventure, they are looking for a partner in crime. The point is that love means different things to different people, depending on their family backgrounds and what they have been through in life. I personally think love is all the things I mentioned above, but my favorite definition is that love is feeling accepted for who you are, inside and out, flaws and all. I say this because the world is rough sometimes. People can (and will) tear you down. It's easy to get overwhelmed by work, family, stress, you name it! There is nothing better than going to someone you love to get support. Love is someone who will listen to you bitch about how that crazy lady cut you off in traffic or giving you advice about how to handle that annoying boss. Love is listening to boyfriend woes, telling you how great you look at 9 months pregnant and picking up the phone at 2am when you're feeling lonely. Love is keeping you from calling your cheating ex or holding your sobbing body when you lose your mom.  There are many types of love, from romantic to familial, but at the end of the day love is pretty expansive. You know when you feel it and whom you feel it for. Whomever that is, cherish them and treat them well. Because while some love is forever, life is not. If you are lucky enough to have some type of love in your life, let that person know and maybe even ask them what they think love is. You may just be surprised by their answer.

First Dates

This evening I was watching "Extreme Weight Loss" on TLC. For those who don't know, it's a weight loss show about people who are overweight that shows their progression of getting healthy with diet and exercise over many months. It also incorporates showing how their life changes as they lose the weight. One man on the show went on his very first date. (he was roughly 30 years old) It was a sweet, emotional moment. You could literally see the joy on his face, the excitement. Dating is fun and validating. It means someone is willingly desiring to spend time with us. But it's also scary and nerve-racking. What if they don't like us? What if we don't like them? What if they are boring or rude or have bad breath?

The show got me thinking about what first dates truly mean. Physically, there is the rush of adrenaline and butterflies in the stomach. But emotionally, there is much more significance. If you think about it, every first date is possibly the last first date you ever have. Isn't that the goal? We date to mate- eventually that is. Dating is fun but also scary. It's a risk we take every time we agree to put ourselves out there for someone else to judge. We risk rejection for the thrill of love and acceptance.

The first time I went on a date with my now-husband, I knew it was going to be something special, but to be honest I put on my "first date" self. Not to say I wore a black wig and a fake nose, but I did pretend to be something I wasn't in order to get him to like me. This ended up backfiring on me- badly. Much later on in our relationship, he told me that he loved me for who I really was, not the fake person I pretended to be. He told me he wished I was that person from the start. From the very first date.

When going on that nerve-racking first date with someone you find interesting and attractive, be yourself. Yes, you risk never seeing them again or scaring them away because of your weirdness. But the person who you're meant to marry will love your bizarre quirks. And you will love theirs. It takes confidence and a belief in yourself to do that. I didn't have either when I began dating my husband. It sounds like the man on "Extreme Weight Loss" didn't either, until he lost some weight and began to feel good about himself.

Be brave enough to be yourself. Because one day you will have the last first date ever. And it will be worth all the bad ones that came before to be loved and accepted for who you really are- big or small, rich or poor, old or young. 

Do You Look Like Your Boyfriend?

Maybe you should! No I’m not talking growing a beer belly and 5 o’clock shadow, but choosing someone who fits into your life may be the secret to a lasting relationship.

There’s a phenomenon I’ve noticed lately in which the happy couples I know look like they just ‘fit’ together. Examples include:

·         Hipster boho chick and tatted up guy with skinny jeans

·         Shlubby guy in Cowboys jersey and girl in her college hoodie and mom jeans

·         Tan, in-shape brunette and tall muscular dude with a tribal tattoo

·         Aging soccer mom with too much Botox and her wealthy balding husband

·         Conservative rich guy in a button-up and blonde bombshell in killer heels

I’ve heard of people looking like their dogs but what if we approached dating like getting a pet? You need someone who fits into your lifestyle and likes the same things. Same as a dog. If you live in a 400 square foot apartment in Manhattan, you aren’t going to get a Great Dane. Or if you love going on hikes it’s doubtful you’ll buy a Maltese. You choose a pet based on your lifestyle- why not a mate?

This best applies to a first date. Besides being attracted to someone, you have to share some common interests in order to keep the relationship going. So next time you’re getting to know that cute Match.com guy over coffee, stray away from the typical first date “where’d you go to college” chatter and ask what you really need to know, depending on what you like to do. I say this because realistically, if you marry a guy who loves hockey more than life, you’re going to spend a good portion of your life in a rink eating jumbo pretzels and drinking foamy beer.

Here are a few key questions to ask and what style to spot:

For the athletic, healthy chick:

1.      Do you workout? (if so, what specific gym)

2.      Do you eat healthy usually? (so you can make gluten-free paleo dinners together)

·         Look for muscle-tees, warm-ups, fancy running shoes

For the luxurious, girlie girl:

1.      Do you like fine dining? (if he doesn’t know what this means then you’re doomed to Denny’s)

2.      What vacations are you planning this year? (for your first kiss at the Eiffel Tower)

·         Look for a tailored suit, well-groomed hair, cuff-links

For the sporty, laid back lady:

1.      What’s your favorite sport to watch? (and favorite team)

2.      What sports did you play as a kid? (so you can join a league together)

·         Look for jeans, football jersey, ball-cap

For the driven, goal-oriented woman:

1.      Where do you see yourself in 5 years? (to tell if he’s serious or not)

2.      Do you own or rent? (also to gage if he’s motivated for success and stability)

·         Look for an unwrinkled button-up, nice watch, name-brand sunglasses

For the indie, music lover girl:

1.      What shows have you seen recently?

2.      How many tattoos do you have?

·         Look for skinny pants, flannel, hair that’s shaved on sides and long on top

The key ingredient in this pie is that all the couples that I’ve worked with that look and act similar have a lot of things in common. That’s why they dress and act alike. It just makes sense. If you love TV more than you talk to your family, you probably are not compatible with a guy who doesn’t even have Netflix and spends his free-time babysitting his niece. You would be bored to tears if, instead of binge-watching The Walking Dead, your Saturday nights were spent at his sister’s house changing diapers.

Relationships work when people spend a significant amount of quality time together, usually doing something they both enjoy. Since you can’t have sex 24/7, you need other activities that are fun for you and him. Similar hobbies also means similar lifestyles, goals, values….You get the picture. Don’t get me wrong, it’s healthy to have a life outside your relationship. If your man doesn’t want to watch a romantic comedy with a gallon of frozen yogurt, that’s okay. That is what girlfriends are for. But in general, you both should like the same stuff.

So the next time you’re about to go out with the cute bartender who asked you out after your third Chardonnay, remember to look and listen for the key things that you like and need in a partner. You may not end up with your twin, but perhaps you will find a guy who happens to love going out every night with friends or is excited to go for a run and then go shopping for new workout gear. If you’re a Zen goddess who loves kale and yoga and he is a Republican with a gun collection and a farmer’s tan it probably won’t work out.

We choose the car that suits us, the dog we are meant for, and the clothes we love- why not choose the type of man who fits into our lives just as well?

He's Just Not That Into You....Swipe Left?

I wanted to write this post and just put "he's just not that into you," and refer all my readers to read the exceptional book of the same title by Greg Behrend and Liz Tuccillo, but I figured not a lot of us have a couple hours to spare to workout, clean the closet or organize our pantry let alone read a good book, so I figured I'd just give you the basic premise because:

1. The movie by the same title was awful and was completely not what the book was about
2. It's incredibly true and honest and what all single, married and coupled-up people need to hear- both men and women

First of all, let's get real. Dating is hard, relationships are hard, marriage is hard, and divorce is really hard. But being in lust, falling in love, and getting to spend your life with your best friend is pretty awesome. The chemicals that are released into one's brain (dopamine, serotonin) when getting those butterflies after the first kiss are the same that flood one's brain when doing drugs. Yep; no wonder they say love makes us do crazy things. The love drug is au natural and real. It is addicting, erotic, emotional and tricky; very tricky. So I want to explain that if a guy or girl is not doing certain things, then they likely are Just.Not.That.Into.You.- no matter what your crazy brain chemicals are telling you. There is a difference between love and lust, and it's the same as the one between making someone waffles with a balsamic strawberry compote and French-pressed coffee and sneaking out the door without even bothering to leave the obligatory "this was fun, we should do it again sometime" note. We all basically want the same thing at the end of the day- if we are looking for a lasting relationship, that is. However, the other person may not be reading the same book as you, let alone be on the same page. So if you want to find real, lasting, fun and sexy love, and stop wasting your time, follow these tips:

He's just not that into you if he's (or she's) NOT:

• Calling your back (not really applicable because no one calls on the phone anymore which is ridiculous, don't even get me started!). Or texting you, responding to your texts, Facebook-ing, etc. This is an easy one to remember: If they wanted to get in contact with you, they would. Period. No one's phone actually breaks or didn't have service that day. That's an excuse and another way of showing they don't care about you. Responding to a text message takes 5 seconds, not 5 hours.
• Making time to hang out. No guy (or girl, because this is 2016 and not pre-sexual revolution) will not make time in their ''totally busy right now" schedule to see someone they want to have sex with. If neurosurgeons, CEOs,  and other incredibly busy people all around the world can find time to date, then the guy you met on Match who works at Petco can definitely get sushi with you.
• Seeing you in the daytime. We all have been 21 and spent time with people who we will likely  never see again past the May-Dec romance expiration date. Those relationships (and I'm using that term very loosely) are all about the physical and you likely have nothing much in common with them besides indie movies and beer pong. But if you want to actually be the boyfriend or girlfriend of someone and they only text you after 10pm, doesn't ask you to sleep over, and always want you to come over to their place, that's a huge red flag. It's a relationship based on sex, not actual connection.
• Introducing you to their friends or family. This one takes time because initially it's normal to not bring a stranger to Aunt Diane's birthday bash or your buddy Kevin's engagement party. But after dating for a few months, if you have never met his friends and all you know about his family is that he hates his mom or his sister's a "bitch," then something is seriously wrong. When you truly love and care for someone, you will want to tell everyone else special in your life about them. You want to literally shout it from the rooftops, not have them sneak out the back door at midnight.
• Asking about you. Human beings as a species are incredibly selfish. We LOVE to talk about ourselves, that's a given. However, when falling in love, we also want to know everything we can about the other person. It's a phenomenon that is used to help imagine that person in our lives. Also, it's a way of building a connection by exploring shared interests. Not just the obvious (You like food? Me too! This is fate!), but deeper things that actually matter when you are choosing a potential girlfriend, not to mention a life partner. If your 'special someone' isn't asking you about your life (friends, family, job, goals, dreams, hobbies, you name it), they don't care. They want your beauty, your body, your....You get the picture.
• Dating someone else or worse- married. There are some exceptions to this rule. After all, Paul Newman was married to his first wife, Jacqueline Witte, when he fell in love with Joanne Woodward, his wife of 50 years. However, for most people who cheat (married or not), it's a distraction from their feelings, an escape. It usually is not real love or commitment. If anything, they are proving that they do not honor or respect commitment because they are breaking their promise to be faithful. When someone is head over heels in love, they do not have a multiple of lovers. They have one.  So if you've been casually seeing someone for a month and she still is often 'busy' or has yet to have the exclusivity talk- she's likely knocking boots with someone that isn't you. Would you want to be someone's second choice? No, of course not. By all means, you can have the "it's just me or I'm leaving" conversation, but really, wouldn't you prefer they choose you without being pressured? They are just not that into you. Move on.

I hope these tips have given you all some knowledge and not made it seem like dating is pointless or hopeless. The old adage of 'you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince' is cheesy but really true. There is literally someone for everyone (example: the fattest man alive got married), you just have to not give up on finding that person for you. I'm not talking only one soul mate in the whole wide world (isn't that defeating!), but one person who you like, who likes you, and who is fun to both talk to and get naked with for more than 5 minutes. It's as simple (and complicated) as that.

Diets Suck!

So it's January; a month when a lot of people make crazy impossibly to stick to resolutions about finally losing those last 5, 20 or 50 pounds or finally starting your dream job.  I am all for self-improvement; heck the name of my blog is "Live the Life You Deserve" for pete's sake! But dramatically changing your life is hard to do and it's a lot of pressure to suddenly go from the first episode of The Biggest Loser to cat-walking with Gisele, or bagging groceries at Ralphs to creating a multi-million dollar app that's more popular than Facebook. Real, lasting growth and change takes time and is hard and slow. Sorry folks but that's just the facts.

When it comes to being healthy physically, this is incredibly true. Losing weight and getting the type of body you've always wanted is all about a lifestyle change. It also is not about starving yourself everyday or eating Lean Cuisines for lunch. Let's be real: no one on earth is satisfied by eating a "Thai Peanut" Lean Cuisine. They are like food for toddlers, except that even toddlers would want a real meal afterwards. Call it cheat meals or the 80/20 rule (eat good except for 20% of the time), but the true "secret" to lasting weight management and change is moderation and living your life! Going out for drinks and getting In-and-Out once and awhile is not only allowed but truly important for sticking to a healthier lifestyle. Feeling deprived = binging on cookie dough ice cream at 1pm while you watch "The Real Housewives of Tijuana." (not a real show....yet) Both are trash, one just rots your mind while the other...makes you fat. You need to eat real food (veggies, meat, fruit, and other things with 1 ingredient listed is a good rule to follow), not too much. It's sounds easy, but as we all know food is awesome and this 'everything in moderation' thing is incredibly hard. But putting good things inside your body is related to taking care of yourself. Would you want the person you love to shovel poison in their mouth? That's what eating processed crap is; it's poison for your body. Take care of your own body, treat it well. It's the only one you got! You deserve to feel good after meals, not tired or gross. Eating real food (not talking organic just apples not Apple Jacks) will leave your mind and tummy feeling good.

The other part of getting healthy is moving your body. I happen to like the gym- you can hate me, I feel obnoxious writing it but it's true because of how it makes me feel. But if you don't it doesn't mean you are sentenced to a life of stretch pants, dark colors, and weird long shirts that hide your butt. Just move- everyday. Get up and walk, lift weights, do yoga, I don't care what it is just MOVE. As humans we were made to not sit on our butts and watch Netflix all day. Cavemen hunted buffalo, we hunt KFC. It's the sad result of our sedentary society. If you make exercise a priority you will do it. Plain and simple, it has to be important to you. Because there is no (legal) pill that will make you feel as good as good ol' fashioned exercise and non-crap food will. They will improve your health, relationship, job performance, attitude and especially your sex life. No one wants to have sex after downing a bag of Fritos and staring at the bloated result afterwards in a full-body mirror in mid-December. But feeling confident, strong and satisfied? That is incredibly sexy. I never feel better than after I lift a heavy set or finish running a few miles and you will too.

I know change is scary and hard. But if not now, this year, this day, this minute, then when? We get one shot, one chance, one life. Don't waste it being miserable or unhappy. A lot of things in life are pretty much outside of our control (car accidents, breakups, cancer, the government), but what you put in your mouth and moving your body is not. These two things will change your life instantly. Forget the 2016 resolutions and focus on your life resolution to simply LIVE.