When You Aren't On the Same Page: How to Reconnect With Your Partner

Maybe you have been away on a business trip for a week or spent the past two weekends working. Perhaps you haven't had time or money for "date night" or the kids' schedules have been so crazy there just hasn't been the opportunity to connect an talk. Whatever the reason is, couples often fall out of sync. Let's face it: life gets in the way. ALL THE TIME! Often we get so busy with the day-to-day operations that we forget to tend to our relationship garden. Without daily watering, food, sunlight and love, plants die. As do relationships. Without connecting emotionally, mentally and physically, love cannot continue to grow. I am not referring to the love for a child, family member or pet, but that "in love" feeling. It can slip away as the years go by and you both slowly drift further and further apart.

How do you prevent love loss so you don't end up laying next to a roommate instead of a lover? It's simple but requires daily maintenance. It's all about nurturing each other. We all want to (and need to) be nurtured. First by our parents at birth, then by our friends as teens and finally by our spouses (primarily) as adults. You need to nurture yourself on a daily basis by eating regularly and getting enough sleep. But you also need to nurture your mate, in big and little ways. For example, getting up to greet him when he gets home with a giant bear hug and a sloppy kiss. Sounds silly, but I can guarantee he'll notice the effort. And he will like that greeting a whole lot better than a quick peck on the cheek with a half-hearted "How was your day?" as you finish making dinner. Small touches and displays of affection on a daily basis keep you and your mate physically connected. I will add in intimate sexual contact also, whatever that looks like to your coupleship. (Only if sex is something both of you need to feel connected. If both of you are happy that sex is purposefully not a part of your relationship, disregard this). Even if you don't always feel aroused initially, sometimes having sex for the connection and intimacy is very rewarding. However, do not force yourself (or your partner) ever to engage physically if you are not wanting to connect in that way. Doing so will only breed resentment and fuel emotional separation, not prevent it.

Another strategy is remembering to keep in contact with your partner, even if you are thousands of miles apart. Back in the 'olden days' they wrote letters. Nice touch now, but realistically I doubt any one of us will take the time to break out the stationary and fountain pen. A short and sweet "Love you" or "Thinking of you baby" text or comment a few times a week will suffice. Who doesn't like to feel appreciated? Especially by the person you have chosen to spend your life with.

Also remember to invite them vent to you. Ask questions about the people they interact with regularly either at home or at work/school, and pay attention to what they say. Relationships work best when both people are actively involved and invested. Not when you tell for the millionth time that Kyle is your old friend from college who now works in the office next to yours.

When you two are together, always try to have their back. If they are telling a super long and confusing story about their annoying boss, support their side. Don't try to provide solutions; that is not what anyone wants to hear at the end of a long day. Being with someone means consistently showing they can trust you. In other words, be their cheerleader. Emotionally pick them up when they're feeling low and give them support when they score a big victory. Sorry for the somewhat sexist sports metaphor, but this method works both ways. And men can be cheerleaders too! It is 2016 after all, and I'm fairly certain we've all see Will Ferrell as a male cheerleader in SNL.

Finally, remember to communicate when you do feel disconnected or out of sync. The old phrase of "we are only as sick as our secrets" rings true here. If you are unhappy, say something before it's too late and that passionate love you felt is a distant memory. Start today by being honest with how you feel. You are worth it, and so is your relationship. Nurture it, and it will continue to grow for years to come.

How One Addiction Leads to Another..and Another..and Another

 How many of you have seen a group of people gathered outside a bar or nondescript building, puffing away on cigarettes? Or known a formerly overweight person who loses 100lbs and two years later becomes obsessed with running marathons? Perhaps you tend to blame your string of one-night stands on the booze you always over-consume the night before. These are examples of addiction interaction. I want to bring up this topic because I have worked with many people who think that they can simply quit their addictions without doing the messy work of actually figuring out what purpose the addiction held for them. I wish it were only that easy, but white-knuckling it only gets you so far. Eventually, things get sticky and you find yourself slowly sliding back to your old, unhealthy ways. The real change is made by addressing the pain (yes, PAIN) you are trying to avoid. Painful feelings like sadness from trauma or loss, loneliness, insecurity, anxiety, depression, and fear.

You see, our brains are funny. They remember things. Little tiny grooves are paved in our brains the more we do things, especially when things are done compulsively, aka A LOT. For example, if you are a sex addict who compulsively seeks out men to have sex with, the ritual of just getting ready is triggering that compulsive brain response. Even though you may not consciously be aware of it, whenever you put on that certain outfit, smoke a joint, and listen to that special song, you're training your brain (and firing off excitement neurotransmitters).  It's related to the neural pathways that are formed when we engage in addictive activities.* One addiction triggers another, and together they become even stronger and harder to quit.

*Below are a list of the different types of addiction interaction to look out for. Rarely do addicts have only one addictive behavior. I encourage you to take a good look at what activities in  your life are similar to these patterns. Ask yourself, "Do I do these things because I want to or because they are habits?" Perhaps maybe even, "Have they led me to do things I regret?" Finally, extra points if you go deeper and confront possible denial by asking, "What am I really feeling when I engage in these things?" If the answer is "I feel happy, life is great!" then keep doing you! But if your life is being negatively affected (or hurting another person's life), then it may be time to get some help for your addictions. Especially try to look at how they interact and trigger each other.

*(adapted from "Recovery Zone: Volume 1," by Dr.Patrick Carnes, 2009)

1. Cross Tolerance: When both addictions increase simultaneously.
Example: alcohol use increasing the more intense online poker game addiction does
2. Withdrawal Mediation: One addiction used to cushion blow of stopping another addiction.
Example: giving up soda but adding regular coffee runs instead 
3 Replacement: One addiction takes the place of another after time has passed since giving up initial addiction.
Example:as mentioned above, trading food binges for exercise binges after 2 years of sobriety
4. Alternating Cycles: Going back and forth between addictive patterns.
Example: studying obsessively during school year then partying every night during summer break
5. Masking: Using one addiction to cover-up another.
Example: using work addiction to cover up eating disorder due to being "too busy to eat"
6. Rituals: When rituals for one addiction are same for other addiction.
Example: also as mentioned above, a sex addict needing to engage in rituals that trigger both addictions (smoking marijuana and having compulsive sex)
7. Fusing: One addiction ramps up the impact of another.
Example: binging on cocaine and risky, adrenaline-junkie behavior, such as snorting a line and jumping off a dangerous cliff (you wouldn't do one without the other)
8. Numbing: High risk behaviors followed by soothing behaviors.
Example: going on a spending spree then binging on a gallon of ice cream to soothe the shame of spending $3,000
9. Disinhibiting: One addiction helps you feel disinhibited enough to engage in another.
Example: as mentioned above, getting drunk on alcohol to 'allow' yourself to have sex
10. Combining: When addictions are combined for the desired affect.
Example: mixing alcohol with marijuana with dangerous sex and gambling
11. Inclusive: One addiction is always present and all others just supplement it.
Example: compulsively working, no matter if you're at home or on vacation, must always be working even when engaging in other addictions of getting high and working out

Put The Phone Down and No One Gets Hurt

I read a statistic the other day on CNBC.com* that stated there is a definite link between social media use and a decrease in marital quality . While this isn't breaking news, it is bizarre that our phones have become almost a third entity in our relationships. The phone goes on the table at dinner, begging to be checked with every buzz. It accompanies us on vacation, always a text away from work. And it shares in all our important moments, documenting a glorious meal/concert/trip while we are busy staring at a tiny LCD-screen, missing it. Does anyone else see the problem with this? We spend more time talking about what we do to other people than actually doing things. It's like seeing a move blindfold or taking a picture of dinner but not eating.

The impact on relationships is concerning to me as a therapist because of the distraction and escape the phone provides. For example, I have had many clients report to me that they discovered that their spouses were cheating via a social media site/phone app. I believe this is due to two reasons:

1. With apps like "Tinder," there is literally a buffet of "single" people who want to have sex, 24 hours a day. It requires basically no effort at all. The courtship process is nearly eliminated.
2. People are easily distracted by the newest thing, including sexual partners and mates, in some cases. The hunt for "what else is out there" used to take place at bars and required hours of planning and moments to reconsider your actions. Now you can cheat while sitting on the toilet! No effort required, not even pants. It's easy to escape the annoying snore of your wife or messiness of your husband with one swipe, but that is not reality.

The distraction issue with the phone being glued to our hands is also scary. Men's Health* reported that the more time you use your phone daily, the increased odds you have of being depressed. For relationships, it's incredibly disconnecting. The time we spend unwinding with our mates is crucial for maintaining a strong bond. It's just as important as a regular 'date night' to  keep the fire burning. Picture this: you come home from a rough day at work and all you want to do is vent to your spouse and get a warm hug. Instead, you're met with head nods and minimal eye contact while they surf ESPN.com or scroll their Facebook feed. Not comforting at all, and more importantly, not respectful. What we are saying when we choose interaction with the outside world of our phones versus our partners, is that, "other people matter more than you."

Who wants to get that (non-text) message? Put the phone down, avert your eyes up, and be present in the moment if you want a healthier life and happier relationship.




*"Social networking linked to divorce, marital unhappiness" by Everett Rosenfeld, 7/14/16
*Men's Health, December, 2015

Creating a Shared Vision

Am I the only person who made collages of things I loved as a child? Surely some of you readers can relate to cutting pictures out of magazines of your dream boyfriends, careers and phrases like "Just do it" and "Maybe she's born with it." Those glue-stick assembled creations of our youth are worth taking a second look at now as adults. I am referring to creating what is called a "Vision Board." It may sound cheesy but bear with me. This tool can change your life from chaotic and messy to clear and hopeful. How? By actually putting down on paper what you are choosing your life to be about. Many things are out of our control, but much of what we do and how we choose to live is intentional. Life is a collection of many, many choices. Identify the choices you need to make and you can make your dreams come true.

A Vision Board is a map of what you'd like to be doing in 5 years, coupled with the steps you need to take to get there. It is created by drawing a circle on a piece of paper and filling the background with all of your wishes, hopes and dreams for where you would like to be in 2021 (if you did one today, in 2016). Inside the circle, list at least 5 things you can do today or this week or month, to get you one step closer to those long-term goals. Seem easy? Here are a few examples with larger and smaller first steps to get your started:

1. Goal: Have a baby- Track your ovulation monthly and read as much as you can on a fertility diet and lifestyle (Seem overwhelming? Instead start with a trip to the doctor to get checked out this month and start taking prenatal vitamins.)
2. Goal: Be a successful writer- Work on your craft 1 hour a day and read 1 book a week on how to start a writing career. (Too overwhelming? Try blogging one a week and see if you even still enjoy writing before you devote too much time to it.)
3. Goal: Buy a house- Save 20% of every paycheck towards a down payment. (Too much? Try not buying coffee daily and put that money in a "house jar." Even small steps count towards your goal.)

I learned this tool from a recent IITAP conference I attended in Arizona and used it to create a vision of what I'd like my life to look like in 5 years. It was amazing to see a visual representation of what I want my life to be about someday. It really pointed out what's currently missing in my life now. Yet what I realized is that I want to do a vision board with my partner as well. After all, those in long-term serious relationships don't live in isolation. They are part of a team, a unit. Nearly all their decisions are made with someone (or more than one) person in mind. Creating a list of your dreams together using pictures (not words) on the outside of the circle with easy baby steps in the inside is empowering and can help you both to feel more connected. You're working together towards a common goal, not simply living parallel lives. I even had a coworker who put sticky notes in the inside of his vision board (inside the circle) so that after he accomplished those tasks, he could create new ones. Genius! Your Vision Board can be an ever-evolving thing. Perhaps you could even hang it on your wall for daily inspiration.

So next date night or lazy Sunday afternoon, instead of ordering Thai and watching yet another Redbox on the couch, create a vision board separately and maybe also together. It may not instantly grant you the life of your dreams, but it does put out into the universe the things you want to accomplish with your life. What are your priorities? What do you want to spend more time on? What things are you putting off for later?

It's one thing to dream, it's quite another to consciously make steps toward your goals. Be a little bit creative and whip out the scissors, old magazines and Crayola. Ask yourself, what is my vision for my (and our) life? And what can I do today to make that future a reality?

How to Stop Putting Yourself Down and Be Your Own Best Friend

How many times a day do you think you "should" have done something different than what you actually did? How many times do you feel guilty about something you didn't accomplish? How may times do you simply beat yourself up? (metaphorically of course) If you're like myself, the number is about 10-20 times. That's a lot of SHAME that we take in on a daily basis! It's toxic, like drinking poison. The sad truth is, unfortunately this is a pretty common phenomenon. We tend to focus on what we didn't do, said wrong, or forgot. Why do we do this? Why can't we applaud our successes instead of punishing ourselves for what we feel was not "good enough"?

Examples: I should have worked out, I forgot to answer that email, I didn't do my best at that meeting, I should have gone to bed earlier, I wish I had pushed myself harder at the gym, I looked bad today because I didn't spend enough time getting ready, I should be a better friend, I didn't handle that client well, I wasn't there for my kid, I forgot about that meeting...The list could go one forever.


The good news is there IS a way to stop being so hard on yourself. The way to do this is to treat yourself like you would treat someone that you truly cherish. Like your child, best friend, or beloved pet. Because honestly, you should cherish yourself. You are amazing, rare, capable and unique. You have to be your own cheerleader because no one will be able to change your life besides you. Not that your life even needs to change. It may be great as it is, and that's okay too. The point is, if you cannot be kind and loving to yourself, other people won't be either. In other words, if you are too harsh on yourself, you will put up with people treating you poorly because you think you deserve mistreatment. We get sucked into believing we aren't as good as everyone else. We compare ourselves to other people; constantly. Stop doing this! It will only bring you pain and keep you stuck.

Here are 5 simple, concrete steps towards ending the daily shame and guilt cycle:

• Tell yourself what you did well every day (take at least 1 minute to reflect on this; say when you're brushing your teeth at night)
• When looking in the mirror, point out a feature of yours you find attractive (do this while you do you brush your hair or put on makeup in the morning)
•  When you are struggling or about to lose patience for yourself, remember one of these four sentences: I did my best. It's not the end of the world. It will be okay. Tomorrow is another day. 
• When you feel yourself falling short of your goals, make them smaller and more specific. Instead of, "I will go workout for 1 hour 5 times a week," try, "I will do 20 minutes of walking today." This can even work for relationships. Instead of "I will be a better father," try, "I will sit with my son tonight before he goes to bed tonight." The old 12-step adage of "One day at a time" is so well-known because it works.
•  Smile at yourself at least once a day in the mirror. It may seem weird or forced but trust me, it honestly works to improve your self-esteem. Bonus points if you smile and give yourself a compliment. I even wink at myself! Yeah it's bit corny but it makes me feel good.

I hope everyone can read this and relate a little to feeling less-than. I know it's terrible to feel like you are stuck or keep making the same mistakes. We all are imperfect and flawed beings. We all struggle. Life is not often easy. So why make it worse by being that judgmental parent or controlling boss who always pointed out your flaws?  Why be the person who drags you down instead of lifting you up? Accept you are a changing, dynamic person who is that much wiser every time you make a mistake. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. You are more than worth it.

Sex and Spirituality: How Much Do They Have in Common?

I remember being in high school and hearing rumors about how "church kids" were having a lot of sex. I always thought that was ironic, given the fact that they were supposed to be virgins before marriage. As a nerdy, shy 14-year old with bad hair and pale skin, I was not one of those kids, but I did have my first kiss on a mission trip to West Virginia. Even the controversial Duggars have a million and one kids, so they must be having sex all the time. Well that and not using any type of birth control. All of this has made me wonder, what is it about God that makes people so horny? Is there a common link between God and sex?

I believe that yes, there is a parallel between spirituality and sexuality. Both are essentially a search for wholeness. A search to connect with someone and something higher than yourself. Both involve pain and not knowing. And both are ultimately involve a leap of faith. Falling in love and giving yourself over sexually to your mate is a risk. It is scary and places you in a vulnerable position. True intimacy in sex is not simply the physical act of intercourse, but the connecting of two people at the deepest emotional level. If you have not experienced that type of sex yet, know that it does exist. But it involves being able to let go of all your defenses and truly let yourself be seen by another person. It's hard! And demands trust first and foremost. But it is also incredibly profound. Feeling loved for who you are in mind, body and spirit is exhilarating. And more fulfilling than any casual 'hook-up' could ever be. Those are exciting sure, but not the same as intimate sex with someone you love who loves you back, despite your flaws. Your crooked nose, flabby thighs, weird birth mark- those don't matter when you're being sexual with them. It's not about the physical stuff. That is simply the tool used to further the emotional connection.

The search for God is different of course (no one is having sex with Jesus..that I know of), but very similar. It involves desiring to feel loved and protected. It is intangible. It cannot be bought or created, but rather it's felt. Whatever your spiritual affiliation is, hopefully you can relate to that overwhelming emotion of feeling safe and protected, no matter what life brings you. You are loved completely for yourself. You are whole. When we lack that wholeness in life, we tend to search for other ways to fill it (aka addiction to drugs, idolizing celebrities, obsessing over work, you name it).

I don't say this to preach to anyone, completely the opposite. I myself have struggled with faith my entire adult life. What I want to do is  illuminate the correlation between the love you can feel from a higher power, to the love you can feel through intimate, healthy sex. It may seem crazy to some to place so much weight on sex, a mostly physical act. I challenge all of us to use sex as more than just that. It is truly the closest you can get to another human being. And the most exposed. Not only physically but emotionally. If you are (both) present during sex and one with your lover, you can experience that intense passion, no matter how long you've been together. Joy to the World indeed!

Money Money Money Money.....MONEY!

They say the four 'off-limit' topics are sex, money, politics and religion. Couples tend to fight most about the first two: sex (when to have it, how much to have) and money (when to spend it, how much each person has). The funny thing is that both topics are not so simple as they seem. Money isn't just about the number you have in your bank account and sex isn't just about how often you "do it." Today I want to focus on all the meaning behind money, and how I've seen it destroy relationships.

First of all, our attitude about money is shaped in our childhoods. If you were raised by a single-parent who worked 12-hour shifts to buy you name-brand cereal, you won't have a relaxed view of money. To you, money means sacrifice and it's not to be taken lightly. You may pinch pennies or spend freely as a reaction to living so frugally growing up. If you were raised in an affluent home where money wasn't really ever discussed (you just had it), its value is less. You won't think twice about buying 'real' Fruit Loops or anything else you want.

Another dimension is how money ties into our view of ourselves. Individuals with high self-esteem are able to spend money on themselves but also don't spend in excess because they know it would hurt them in the long-term. Those with low self-esteem either live in deprivation and feel guilt spending money OR they overspend with no thought of the future because they don't pay attention to the chaos that living beyond their means will bring them.

In working with couples, the number one thing I've noticed is that when they fight about money, it's not about money. It's the meaning behind the money. When one spouse makes more than the other, it brings up questions about value. What value do you bring to the relationship when you stay at home and your spouse works 60+ hours a week? This is a conversation to have together or else resentment is bound to grow. I may sound like a broken record but communication is 100% the key to resolving these differences. I've talked with women who felt invisible because all the work the put in raising children was ignored (in their eyes) by their partners. On the other hand, their partners have told me that they felt unappreciated because they felt pressured to work full-time and help out at home whenever possible. 

Couples need to talk about what they expect from one another, and how they want to spend their money. After all, when you're married it is no longer YOUR money; you're a team now. That also means you cannot dictate how you're going to spend the money, even if it's you that makes it all. Compromise is necessary in order to both be happy with how you live as a couple. There will be times when you will have to bite your tongue if your spouse buys another pair of shoes or doesn't want to go on vacation because it's too expensive.

Finally, remembering that when you talk with your partner about money, you aren't just talking to them. You're essentially talking to their parents too, and every message that was taught to them throughout childhood. So have those hard discussions and continue to check in with each other about the state of your finances. Perhaps you can grow and heal with each other, balancing each out out as you balance the checkbook.