How to Stop Putting Yourself Down and Be Your Own Best Friend

How many times a day do you think you "should" have done something different than what you actually did? How many times do you feel guilty about something you didn't accomplish? How may times do you simply beat yourself up? (metaphorically of course) If you're like myself, the number is about 10-20 times. That's a lot of SHAME that we take in on a daily basis! It's toxic, like drinking poison. The sad truth is, unfortunately this is a pretty common phenomenon. We tend to focus on what we didn't do, said wrong, or forgot. Why do we do this? Why can't we applaud our successes instead of punishing ourselves for what we feel was not "good enough"?

Examples: I should have worked out, I forgot to answer that email, I didn't do my best at that meeting, I should have gone to bed earlier, I wish I had pushed myself harder at the gym, I looked bad today because I didn't spend enough time getting ready, I should be a better friend, I didn't handle that client well, I wasn't there for my kid, I forgot about that meeting...The list could go one forever.


The good news is there IS a way to stop being so hard on yourself. The way to do this is to treat yourself like you would treat someone that you truly cherish. Like your child, best friend, or beloved pet. Because honestly, you should cherish yourself. You are amazing, rare, capable and unique. You have to be your own cheerleader because no one will be able to change your life besides you. Not that your life even needs to change. It may be great as it is, and that's okay too. The point is, if you cannot be kind and loving to yourself, other people won't be either. In other words, if you are too harsh on yourself, you will put up with people treating you poorly because you think you deserve mistreatment. We get sucked into believing we aren't as good as everyone else. We compare ourselves to other people; constantly. Stop doing this! It will only bring you pain and keep you stuck.

Here are 5 simple, concrete steps towards ending the daily shame and guilt cycle:

• Tell yourself what you did well every day (take at least 1 minute to reflect on this; say when you're brushing your teeth at night)
• When looking in the mirror, point out a feature of yours you find attractive (do this while you do you brush your hair or put on makeup in the morning)
•  When you are struggling or about to lose patience for yourself, remember one of these four sentences: I did my best. It's not the end of the world. It will be okay. Tomorrow is another day. 
• When you feel yourself falling short of your goals, make them smaller and more specific. Instead of, "I will go workout for 1 hour 5 times a week," try, "I will do 20 minutes of walking today." This can even work for relationships. Instead of "I will be a better father," try, "I will sit with my son tonight before he goes to bed tonight." The old 12-step adage of "One day at a time" is so well-known because it works.
•  Smile at yourself at least once a day in the mirror. It may seem weird or forced but trust me, it honestly works to improve your self-esteem. Bonus points if you smile and give yourself a compliment. I even wink at myself! Yeah it's bit corny but it makes me feel good.

I hope everyone can read this and relate a little to feeling less-than. I know it's terrible to feel like you are stuck or keep making the same mistakes. We all are imperfect and flawed beings. We all struggle. Life is not often easy. So why make it worse by being that judgmental parent or controlling boss who always pointed out your flaws?  Why be the person who drags you down instead of lifting you up? Accept you are a changing, dynamic person who is that much wiser every time you make a mistake. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. You are more than worth it.

Sex and Spirituality: How Much Do They Have in Common?

I remember being in high school and hearing rumors about how "church kids" were having a lot of sex. I always thought that was ironic, given the fact that they were supposed to be virgins before marriage. As a nerdy, shy 14-year old with bad hair and pale skin, I was not one of those kids, but I did have my first kiss on a mission trip to West Virginia. Even the controversial Duggars have a million and one kids, so they must be having sex all the time. Well that and not using any type of birth control. All of this has made me wonder, what is it about God that makes people so horny? Is there a common link between God and sex?

I believe that yes, there is a parallel between spirituality and sexuality. Both are essentially a search for wholeness. A search to connect with someone and something higher than yourself. Both involve pain and not knowing. And both are ultimately involve a leap of faith. Falling in love and giving yourself over sexually to your mate is a risk. It is scary and places you in a vulnerable position. True intimacy in sex is not simply the physical act of intercourse, but the connecting of two people at the deepest emotional level. If you have not experienced that type of sex yet, know that it does exist. But it involves being able to let go of all your defenses and truly let yourself be seen by another person. It's hard! And demands trust first and foremost. But it is also incredibly profound. Feeling loved for who you are in mind, body and spirit is exhilarating. And more fulfilling than any casual 'hook-up' could ever be. Those are exciting sure, but not the same as intimate sex with someone you love who loves you back, despite your flaws. Your crooked nose, flabby thighs, weird birth mark- those don't matter when you're being sexual with them. It's not about the physical stuff. That is simply the tool used to further the emotional connection.

The search for God is different of course (no one is having sex with Jesus..that I know of), but very similar. It involves desiring to feel loved and protected. It is intangible. It cannot be bought or created, but rather it's felt. Whatever your spiritual affiliation is, hopefully you can relate to that overwhelming emotion of feeling safe and protected, no matter what life brings you. You are loved completely for yourself. You are whole. When we lack that wholeness in life, we tend to search for other ways to fill it (aka addiction to drugs, idolizing celebrities, obsessing over work, you name it).

I don't say this to preach to anyone, completely the opposite. I myself have struggled with faith my entire adult life. What I want to do is  illuminate the correlation between the love you can feel from a higher power, to the love you can feel through intimate, healthy sex. It may seem crazy to some to place so much weight on sex, a mostly physical act. I challenge all of us to use sex as more than just that. It is truly the closest you can get to another human being. And the most exposed. Not only physically but emotionally. If you are (both) present during sex and one with your lover, you can experience that intense passion, no matter how long you've been together. Joy to the World indeed!

Money Money Money Money.....MONEY!

They say the four 'off-limit' topics are sex, money, politics and religion. Couples tend to fight most about the first two: sex (when to have it, how much to have) and money (when to spend it, how much each person has). The funny thing is that both topics are not so simple as they seem. Money isn't just about the number you have in your bank account and sex isn't just about how often you "do it." Today I want to focus on all the meaning behind money, and how I've seen it destroy relationships.

First of all, our attitude about money is shaped in our childhoods. If you were raised by a single-parent who worked 12-hour shifts to buy you name-brand cereal, you won't have a relaxed view of money. To you, money means sacrifice and it's not to be taken lightly. You may pinch pennies or spend freely as a reaction to living so frugally growing up. If you were raised in an affluent home where money wasn't really ever discussed (you just had it), its value is less. You won't think twice about buying 'real' Fruit Loops or anything else you want.

Another dimension is how money ties into our view of ourselves. Individuals with high self-esteem are able to spend money on themselves but also don't spend in excess because they know it would hurt them in the long-term. Those with low self-esteem either live in deprivation and feel guilt spending money OR they overspend with no thought of the future because they don't pay attention to the chaos that living beyond their means will bring them.

In working with couples, the number one thing I've noticed is that when they fight about money, it's not about money. It's the meaning behind the money. When one spouse makes more than the other, it brings up questions about value. What value do you bring to the relationship when you stay at home and your spouse works 60+ hours a week? This is a conversation to have together or else resentment is bound to grow. I may sound like a broken record but communication is 100% the key to resolving these differences. I've talked with women who felt invisible because all the work the put in raising children was ignored (in their eyes) by their partners. On the other hand, their partners have told me that they felt unappreciated because they felt pressured to work full-time and help out at home whenever possible. 

Couples need to talk about what they expect from one another, and how they want to spend their money. After all, when you're married it is no longer YOUR money; you're a team now. That also means you cannot dictate how you're going to spend the money, even if it's you that makes it all. Compromise is necessary in order to both be happy with how you live as a couple. There will be times when you will have to bite your tongue if your spouse buys another pair of shoes or doesn't want to go on vacation because it's too expensive.

Finally, remembering that when you talk with your partner about money, you aren't just talking to them. You're essentially talking to their parents too, and every message that was taught to them throughout childhood. So have those hard discussions and continue to check in with each other about the state of your finances. Perhaps you can grow and heal with each other, balancing each out out as you balance the checkbook.

Balancing Act

When I was a kid I remember loving the circus. The lions, the creepy clowns, the $10 cotton candy- it was all amazing to me. I even liked the trapeeze artists who soared in the air and the acrobats that could balance 6 plates in the air with their teeth. Nowadays Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey seems to have disappeared, which is probably good after the animal mistreatment allegations popped up. But what stuck with me was those darn acrobats and how well they could balance. It seemed impossible! All my life I've struggled with balance. I tend to lean towards all-or-nothing thinking, so either I do something 1000% or not at all. This leads to me quickly burning out on things. I remember the time when I thought I would try acting and begged my mom for classes. I went every week with joy...for about 3 weeks. Then the novelty wore off and I was no longer obsessed with learning about acting. All I wanted to do was blow off the classes because I was tired of focusing 24/7 on "the craft."

My point is that life is a constant balancing act: school, work, family, friends, love. It's really hard! We tend to overdo somethings and underdo others. Family gets neglected due to due the excitement of a new relationship. Exercise goes by the wayside when work gets crazy. School grades slip when bills need to get paid. Keeping all of our priorities in line is hard work. But what I have noticed in the clients I have worked with, and in my own life, is that following a life of balance is essential for happiness. Anything done too much, even eating kale, is negative to maintaining balance in your life.

The balance I want to focus on specifically is relationship balance. What I mean by that is putting enough energy into your partner. Relationships need nurturing and care- especially long-term ones. Sometimes we take our lovers for granted and do not prioiritize them because they've always been there. Add in kids and that balance can get out of wack really fast. What happens when the kids come before your relationship? Answer: nothing good. To be completely honest, I do speak about children from a childless place. However, as a therapist I have seen countless couples who have neglected their own union because of their chilren, to disasterous results. The closeness dies because you no longer talk about each other (or do things alone) and instead, it's all about the kids. Of course you need to make your children a priority, but remember that you and your spouse existed before they did. No one 'has' to be married, it's a choice. Making that choice everyday can be hard some days, but the good should outweigh the bad- the scale should tip towards the positive.

Balance 'you' time with 'us' time. Balance work with play. Balance salad with ice cream. Balance water with wine. Above all, remember that those acrobats didn't start off with instantly balancing all those plates or walking on that thin of a rope. It took time, practice, and falling a million times but getting back up. Don't punish yourself if you forget to call your mom because of your big project at work or date night goes by the wayside due to your little boy's school play. Life will get out of balance sometimes, that is a guarantee. Recognizing that and continuing to work on restoring that balance will go wonders for keeping you sane, happy and healthy. We all walk our version of a tightrope, even if we've never been to the circus.

Breaking Boundaries: How to Cope with a Partner's Past

People are like magnets. Drawn to each other with unexplained, intangible chemistry. In my work with couples and individuals struggling with trouble communicating or having a fulfilling sex life, what I have witnessed is that there is reason we choose our lovers. It's not just physical attraction alone. That may be the initial draw, but what holds people together is often subconsciously motivated. There are those couples that seem to like constantly arguing and those that thrive on going out nightly for social events.

And then there other underlying dynamics that bind us to each other- things like a shared history of trauma or mental illness. When you come from a healthy family system, it's hard to relate when your partner hasn't spoken to her father in 10 years or never met his biological mom. Often times, what I see as a therapist is that the very things that draw us to someone can wear out the relationship over time if not addressed. But what really is interesting is that we tend to repeat our family patterns as adults. Subconsciously, we try to 'fix' our childhood wounds.

One of the most crucial areas I have seen these patterns repeat is with our romantic relationships. Specifically with trauma. That is the reason that children from a domestic violence background marry men who abuse them or why men who were enmeshed emotionally with their mothers have unhealthy anger towards women. Trauma is like a wound that never got stitches. The scar is there and we tend to look for others with the same mark.

But what do you do when your partner was sexually abused as a child? Surprisingly (and incredibly sad), it's incredibly common. One San Francisco study reported that 38% of women had been sexually molested as children (according to Heather Smith from healthyplace.com). And that is only what is remembered and shared. Often we repress memories of sexual abuse (which has MANY forms, from rape to touching/fondling to being exposed to inappropriate/sexualized language ), because it's a method of self-protection. How can you be expected to have a healthy sex life when sex itself was forced upon you? This can be very confusing for the victim and their partner, who often puts the blame on their shoulders for problems in bed.

The most important thing to remember when your partner's boundaries have been violated from an early or later age is that it's not about you. Someone who has survived trauma is just that- a survivor. You cannot go through something awful and not have wounds. Usually they are not visible, but they can be. Would you feel responsible if your partner had lost a leg in war, affecting their body image? Of course not! Remember that with sexual abuse. We cannot talk about sex without tying it to many things, from body image to boundaries.

In being a supportive partner, what is really needed is safety and empowerment. I recommend survivors of sexual abuse to attend therapy for their own healing. If their dynamics as an individual are greatly impacting their partnership or sex life, then I also recommend couples therapy so a trained professional can help navigate those choppy waters. Partners need to remember to not guilt/shame their lovers. That is only re-enacting the trauma and creates further emotional distance.

Like I mentioned earlier, there is likely a deeper reason that people find each other. Perhaps your own family situation placed you as the caregiver, so you chose a partner who needed rescuing.  Or maybe you were the eldest child, used to being in control, and were drawn to a person who depended on you for security. Whatever the reason is, remember that we are all scared in some way from childhood wounds, just in different ways. Have compassion and understanding for your partner's journey. You can never know how rocky it's been because it isn't your life, it's theirs.

Never Trust a Man with a Ponytail and 10 Other Lessons I've Learned About Men

I thought I'd write a quick post today with an eye-catching title for all the ladies out there. There are a few things I have noticed about men in my nearly 30 years that I want to share with you all. Of course I say these (half) jokingly. So here goes!

1.  Men are pretty simple: feed them, love them, support them.
2.  Never say a bad word about a man's mother. Enough said.
3.  If a man's pants are tighter than yours don't be surprised if he spends more time with his "guy friends" than you. They're not just playing X-Box.
4.  Manners make the man (okay this is a quote from "The Kingsman" but it's true!)- men who treat women like women (pulling out a chair, opening the car door) are worth their weight in gold.  
5.  There's a difference between  being friendly and flirting. Men know it and so do you. If your man crosses the line (or if you do)- something is missing. Talk about it.
6. Men hate nagging. They don't want to kiss/cuddle/touch their mothers. Even if he leaves the dishes in the sink for the 100th time just let it go! Unless you want your bed to be just a place to sleep.
7. Men like being taken care of too. Little stuff like writing him love letters or doing his laundry go a long way.
8. Men brag too (about us women). So give him something to brag (not complain) about. Be kind. Buy him a beer. Dress up just because. Trust me, he'll do the same.
9. Boys will be boys. No I don't mean that they will chase tail and that's okay, because it's NOT. But men like doing 'boy' stuff  like football, fighting, getting dirty, talking about cars and sports for hours on end. Let him do him. Join in if he asks, but otherwise, let him be a guy.
10. Never trust a man who's obsessed with his reflection and spends more time getting ready than you do. (or who has a ponytail and borrows your hair ties)

Hope this helps you lovely ladies out there navigating the challenging but wonderful world of dating and relationships. :)

Ted Explains How to Be Happy

I have recently been obsessed with watching "Ted Talks." They are not just fascinating, but I feel like I'm learning a lot at the same time. I've been drawn especially to talks regarding happiness and how some people feel it easily while others chase it so diligently (and unsuccessfully). Two in particular caught my eye by their amazing titles: the first was, "My Philosophy for a Happy Life" by Sam Berns, and the other was "Three Words That Will Change Your Life," by Dr. Mark Holder. The first was by a young teenager (Sam), with progeria, a rare genetic disease that causes premature aging (aka Benjamin Button disease). His motto was basically to appreciate what you CAN do, not lament or moan about what you can't. This is a kid who was not attractive, athletic, rich, or healthy, but spent every day on this planet being ridiculously joyful for what he COULD do: play drums in the marching band, spend time with friends, inspire others to live a fuller life. I later found out that Sam died at age 17 from his disease. Honestly, that news made me realize his message was even more true because life is so precious and short. Sam didn't even get to celebrate his 18th birthday. I'm turning 30 this year. I feel immensely grateful just for that fact alone, and the simple truth that I am healthy, in love, and don't go to bed hungry every night...or ever. Millions (probably billions) of people cannot say the same.

The other Ted talk, "Three Words That Will Change Your Life," was inspiring in a different way. Dr. Holder explained that for humans, happiness is inextricably linked to their relationships. We need to be bonded to others. If not, we bond to other things to self-medicate our loneliness, especially if we have suffered trauma and need to numb ourselves from life (leading to sex, drugs, and/or food addiction). People who are genuinely happy have close, loving relationships with others. They spend time nurturing these intimate friendships. They feel understood and heard, as well as safe enough to be close to others. The aforementioned three words that will change your life are: "tell me more," because saying them to someone instantly bonds them to you. Try it with your next conversation and instead of zoning out or interrupting, really make an effort to hear what your friends are saying. That is what builds connection and that connection leads to increased happiness.

 Dr. Holder also explained that the happiness of your partner directly correlates with your own happiness. That completely makes sense to me, because I struggle with being completely happy when my husband is sad. He is such a big part of my life that I cannot imagine being care-free when he's upset. I have no doubt that many people can relate to this issue. I mean this not in a codependent, unhealthy way, but as an expression of the connection with my mate.

I wanted to share both of these talks because I think we all get caught up in the stress of our lives and the quest for what is "enough," that we forget to slow down and examine what truly make us smile. Happiness is being grateful that you are not in pain or hungry. Happiness is not what you can buy, it's appreciating who you are and who loves you. If only Sam had been so lucky to see what gifts lie beyond the teenage years! But honestly, he wouldn't see his death as "I wish I could have lived to see another birthday." Instead, he would see it as, "I'm so happy and grateful I got to celebrate 17 of them." Rest in peace buddy.