Transforming the Past

When I was a teenager, I viewed myself as the stereotypical outcast. I was pale, awkward, and felt invisible. I barely dated, had few friends, and was ecstatic to graduate and move on from that awful time in my life. Looking back now, I used to tell myself how hard high school was. I reflected on all the things that were wrong with me and how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin. My memories of that time centered around this negative "reality."

What is the problem with only seeing the harsh reality of the past? Well, for starters, our personality is developed by our past. Whatever mind story (story you tell yourself, not always the reality) you develop about who you were as a child is permanently etched in your brain and incorporated into how you interact in the present. If that story is only filled with shame and regret, then you will carry those negative feelings into every adult interaction you have. Since I viewed my adolescence as bad, I struggled with self-esteem as a grown woman. In some ways, I still felt like that lonely, braces-wearing gawky teenager.

Until I re-wrote my personal narrative. Yes, high school was not easy for me. Yes, I was not popular. But the exaggerated feelings of teen angst were mostly in my mind and my own view of myself, no one else's. It was a hard time for me, but it was also when I developed the courage to move 2,000 miles to California for college, fell in love for the first time, and held a steady job for 3 years. Remembering the power you had in the darkness is what transforms difficult memories of pain into memories of strength. I now feel empowered and grateful for my teenage self, while in the past I felt only pity and sadness. Remember, who we are now is largely due in part to who we were then.

The obvious problem is that we cannot undo the past. Traumatic things have happened to many of us, and that is just the brutal truth. In therapy, we teach clients how to make meaning out of horrific or unpleasant life experiences. In creating your own view of strength from suffering, you essentially empower yourself to make meaning out of madness.  This is important because your mind story of your past is a large part of who you are. If you felt weak then, you could feel weak now. But you are not! It all is in self-perception.

My question to you is, why not re-write your story? This time, focus on what you did right. Yes, you didn't score that game-winning touchdown. But you did play JV football for four years and had a great time with your teammates. Maybe your parents were never around. But you had a loving best friend who got you through the rough patches. Or perhaps you lost your brother to illness far too soon. But you learned the value of life and love at an early age. There is meaning to every tragedy, no matter how illogical or small.

So put down your phone and shut off the Netflix. Take a small amount of time today to reflect on a difficult time in your life. Maybe even write it down. But this time, view it from the perspective of how your strength/wisdom/spirit was able to grow and learn from it. I promise it will help you gain empathy for your past self. We are nothing but continuously changing, making mistakes and getting up when life kicks us down.

Think of your life as needing a filter. Instead of black-and-white, put some color back into your memories. (I prefer Chrome myself) You are the artist that gives beauty to your life. Don't spend one more day viewing your life through a smudged lens.

*inspired by a wonderful piece in Psychology Today, June 2016, "The Story of Your Life," by Susan Gregory Thomas (check it out today!)

How To Fight to Actually Make Your Relationship Better

I hate fights. Ever since I was a little girl I ran from confrontation. Especially with people I care about. Who does like to argue with the love of their life? It's scary and seems to go against all that we have been fed about how relationships "should" be fun, sexy and conflict-free. The reality is, fights are essential to working through problems. If you never voice your concerns, you run the risk of becoming resentful towards your mate for things you suppressed or told yourself "weren't a big deal." The truth is, some things are not that important. Being 10 minutes late, forgetting to take out the trash, or throwing clothes on the floor instead of the hamper- all forgivable things that do not warrant a huge argument. But repeated behavior that really bothers you is worth having a conversation with your partner. So how do you actually fight without it turning into a 3-hour long drama that ends with him on the couch and you stewing in the bedroom? See my easy to follow, simple tips below that will turn your arguments from repetitive wastes of time to helpful lessons that actually make your relationship stronger: (Yes, this is possible!)

1. Whomever has the complaint starts the argument by voicing their frustration. Avoid saying "always" or "never" in this aspect. It will instantly cause your partner to go on the defensive. And in reality, it's not true. People don't do things "all the time," they just do it enough to drive us crazy. State what is bothering you and start every sentence with I. I feel, I think, I want...you get the picture! Trust me, your spouse will feel much less attacked if you say "I feel hurt when you spend the weekend with your friends and we have little time together" instead of, "You make me so mad when you always pick your friends over us!"

2. After you have said your peace, really LISTEN to your mate speak. Do not interrupt. Try to understand where they are coming from and how they truly feel. Try to suspend your view as being right while you take in what they are communicating to you.

3. Repeat back what you have heard your partner say. Everyone wants to feel heard. When we feel seen and heard, we are much more likely to be reasonable and actively try to work towards a resolution with our partner. Example: "I hear you saying you feel sad when I work late."

4. Talk about what was said. Make sure you both understand where each person is coming from. Ask questions if you think you don't know what your partner is saying, and ask them to clarify what you've said if you feel misunderstood.

Remember that a fight is not the end of a relationship but rather a sign that you are actually talking about things instead of sweeping them under the rug. That shows both of you want this relationship to work. I hope these tips can help you work towards finding a better way to communicate so your relationship gets even better over time.

When You Aren't On the Same Page: How to Reconnect With Your Partner

Maybe you have been away on a business trip for a week or spent the past two weekends working. Perhaps you haven't had time or money for "date night" or the kids' schedules have been so crazy there just hasn't been the opportunity to connect an talk. Whatever the reason is, couples often fall out of sync. Let's face it: life gets in the way. ALL THE TIME! Often we get so busy with the day-to-day operations that we forget to tend to our relationship garden. Without daily watering, food, sunlight and love, plants die. As do relationships. Without connecting emotionally, mentally and physically, love cannot continue to grow. I am not referring to the love for a child, family member or pet, but that "in love" feeling. It can slip away as the years go by and you both slowly drift further and further apart.

How do you prevent love loss so you don't end up laying next to a roommate instead of a lover? It's simple but requires daily maintenance. It's all about nurturing each other. We all want to (and need to) be nurtured. First by our parents at birth, then by our friends as teens and finally by our spouses (primarily) as adults. You need to nurture yourself on a daily basis by eating regularly and getting enough sleep. But you also need to nurture your mate, in big and little ways. For example, getting up to greet him when he gets home with a giant bear hug and a sloppy kiss. Sounds silly, but I can guarantee he'll notice the effort. And he will like that greeting a whole lot better than a quick peck on the cheek with a half-hearted "How was your day?" as you finish making dinner. Small touches and displays of affection on a daily basis keep you and your mate physically connected. I will add in intimate sexual contact also, whatever that looks like to your coupleship. (Only if sex is something both of you need to feel connected. If both of you are happy that sex is purposefully not a part of your relationship, disregard this). Even if you don't always feel aroused initially, sometimes having sex for the connection and intimacy is very rewarding. However, do not force yourself (or your partner) ever to engage physically if you are not wanting to connect in that way. Doing so will only breed resentment and fuel emotional separation, not prevent it.

Another strategy is remembering to keep in contact with your partner, even if you are thousands of miles apart. Back in the 'olden days' they wrote letters. Nice touch now, but realistically I doubt any one of us will take the time to break out the stationary and fountain pen. A short and sweet "Love you" or "Thinking of you baby" text or comment a few times a week will suffice. Who doesn't like to feel appreciated? Especially by the person you have chosen to spend your life with.

Also remember to invite them vent to you. Ask questions about the people they interact with regularly either at home or at work/school, and pay attention to what they say. Relationships work best when both people are actively involved and invested. Not when you tell for the millionth time that Kyle is your old friend from college who now works in the office next to yours.

When you two are together, always try to have their back. If they are telling a super long and confusing story about their annoying boss, support their side. Don't try to provide solutions; that is not what anyone wants to hear at the end of a long day. Being with someone means consistently showing they can trust you. In other words, be their cheerleader. Emotionally pick them up when they're feeling low and give them support when they score a big victory. Sorry for the somewhat sexist sports metaphor, but this method works both ways. And men can be cheerleaders too! It is 2016 after all, and I'm fairly certain we've all see Will Ferrell as a male cheerleader in SNL.

Finally, remember to communicate when you do feel disconnected or out of sync. The old phrase of "we are only as sick as our secrets" rings true here. If you are unhappy, say something before it's too late and that passionate love you felt is a distant memory. Start today by being honest with how you feel. You are worth it, and so is your relationship. Nurture it, and it will continue to grow for years to come.

How One Addiction Leads to Another..and Another..and Another

 How many of you have seen a group of people gathered outside a bar or nondescript building, puffing away on cigarettes? Or known a formerly overweight person who loses 100lbs and two years later becomes obsessed with running marathons? Perhaps you tend to blame your string of one-night stands on the booze you always over-consume the night before. These are examples of addiction interaction. I want to bring up this topic because I have worked with many people who think that they can simply quit their addictions without doing the messy work of actually figuring out what purpose the addiction held for them. I wish it were only that easy, but white-knuckling it only gets you so far. Eventually, things get sticky and you find yourself slowly sliding back to your old, unhealthy ways. The real change is made by addressing the pain (yes, PAIN) you are trying to avoid. Painful feelings like sadness from trauma or loss, loneliness, insecurity, anxiety, depression, and fear.

You see, our brains are funny. They remember things. Little tiny grooves are paved in our brains the more we do things, especially when things are done compulsively, aka A LOT. For example, if you are a sex addict who compulsively seeks out men to have sex with, the ritual of just getting ready is triggering that compulsive brain response. Even though you may not consciously be aware of it, whenever you put on that certain outfit, smoke a joint, and listen to that special song, you're training your brain (and firing off excitement neurotransmitters).  It's related to the neural pathways that are formed when we engage in addictive activities.* One addiction triggers another, and together they become even stronger and harder to quit.

*Below are a list of the different types of addiction interaction to look out for. Rarely do addicts have only one addictive behavior. I encourage you to take a good look at what activities in  your life are similar to these patterns. Ask yourself, "Do I do these things because I want to or because they are habits?" Perhaps maybe even, "Have they led me to do things I regret?" Finally, extra points if you go deeper and confront possible denial by asking, "What am I really feeling when I engage in these things?" If the answer is "I feel happy, life is great!" then keep doing you! But if your life is being negatively affected (or hurting another person's life), then it may be time to get some help for your addictions. Especially try to look at how they interact and trigger each other.

*(adapted from "Recovery Zone: Volume 1," by Dr.Patrick Carnes, 2009)

1. Cross Tolerance: When both addictions increase simultaneously.
Example: alcohol use increasing the more intense online poker game addiction does
2. Withdrawal Mediation: One addiction used to cushion blow of stopping another addiction.
Example: giving up soda but adding regular coffee runs instead 
3 Replacement: One addiction takes the place of another after time has passed since giving up initial addiction.
Example:as mentioned above, trading food binges for exercise binges after 2 years of sobriety
4. Alternating Cycles: Going back and forth between addictive patterns.
Example: studying obsessively during school year then partying every night during summer break
5. Masking: Using one addiction to cover-up another.
Example: using work addiction to cover up eating disorder due to being "too busy to eat"
6. Rituals: When rituals for one addiction are same for other addiction.
Example: also as mentioned above, a sex addict needing to engage in rituals that trigger both addictions (smoking marijuana and having compulsive sex)
7. Fusing: One addiction ramps up the impact of another.
Example: binging on cocaine and risky, adrenaline-junkie behavior, such as snorting a line and jumping off a dangerous cliff (you wouldn't do one without the other)
8. Numbing: High risk behaviors followed by soothing behaviors.
Example: going on a spending spree then binging on a gallon of ice cream to soothe the shame of spending $3,000
9. Disinhibiting: One addiction helps you feel disinhibited enough to engage in another.
Example: as mentioned above, getting drunk on alcohol to 'allow' yourself to have sex
10. Combining: When addictions are combined for the desired affect.
Example: mixing alcohol with marijuana with dangerous sex and gambling
11. Inclusive: One addiction is always present and all others just supplement it.
Example: compulsively working, no matter if you're at home or on vacation, must always be working even when engaging in other addictions of getting high and working out

Put The Phone Down and No One Gets Hurt

I read a statistic the other day on CNBC.com* that stated there is a definite link between social media use and a decrease in marital quality . While this isn't breaking news, it is bizarre that our phones have become almost a third entity in our relationships. The phone goes on the table at dinner, begging to be checked with every buzz. It accompanies us on vacation, always a text away from work. And it shares in all our important moments, documenting a glorious meal/concert/trip while we are busy staring at a tiny LCD-screen, missing it. Does anyone else see the problem with this? We spend more time talking about what we do to other people than actually doing things. It's like seeing a move blindfold or taking a picture of dinner but not eating.

The impact on relationships is concerning to me as a therapist because of the distraction and escape the phone provides. For example, I have had many clients report to me that they discovered that their spouses were cheating via a social media site/phone app. I believe this is due to two reasons:

1. With apps like "Tinder," there is literally a buffet of "single" people who want to have sex, 24 hours a day. It requires basically no effort at all. The courtship process is nearly eliminated.
2. People are easily distracted by the newest thing, including sexual partners and mates, in some cases. The hunt for "what else is out there" used to take place at bars and required hours of planning and moments to reconsider your actions. Now you can cheat while sitting on the toilet! No effort required, not even pants. It's easy to escape the annoying snore of your wife or messiness of your husband with one swipe, but that is not reality.

The distraction issue with the phone being glued to our hands is also scary. Men's Health* reported that the more time you use your phone daily, the increased odds you have of being depressed. For relationships, it's incredibly disconnecting. The time we spend unwinding with our mates is crucial for maintaining a strong bond. It's just as important as a regular 'date night' to  keep the fire burning. Picture this: you come home from a rough day at work and all you want to do is vent to your spouse and get a warm hug. Instead, you're met with head nods and minimal eye contact while they surf ESPN.com or scroll their Facebook feed. Not comforting at all, and more importantly, not respectful. What we are saying when we choose interaction with the outside world of our phones versus our partners, is that, "other people matter more than you."

Who wants to get that (non-text) message? Put the phone down, avert your eyes up, and be present in the moment if you want a healthier life and happier relationship.




*"Social networking linked to divorce, marital unhappiness" by Everett Rosenfeld, 7/14/16
*Men's Health, December, 2015

Creating a Shared Vision

Am I the only person who made collages of things I loved as a child? Surely some of you readers can relate to cutting pictures out of magazines of your dream boyfriends, careers and phrases like "Just do it" and "Maybe she's born with it." Those glue-stick assembled creations of our youth are worth taking a second look at now as adults. I am referring to creating what is called a "Vision Board." It may sound cheesy but bear with me. This tool can change your life from chaotic and messy to clear and hopeful. How? By actually putting down on paper what you are choosing your life to be about. Many things are out of our control, but much of what we do and how we choose to live is intentional. Life is a collection of many, many choices. Identify the choices you need to make and you can make your dreams come true.

A Vision Board is a map of what you'd like to be doing in 5 years, coupled with the steps you need to take to get there. It is created by drawing a circle on a piece of paper and filling the background with all of your wishes, hopes and dreams for where you would like to be in 2021 (if you did one today, in 2016). Inside the circle, list at least 5 things you can do today or this week or month, to get you one step closer to those long-term goals. Seem easy? Here are a few examples with larger and smaller first steps to get your started:

1. Goal: Have a baby- Track your ovulation monthly and read as much as you can on a fertility diet and lifestyle (Seem overwhelming? Instead start with a trip to the doctor to get checked out this month and start taking prenatal vitamins.)
2. Goal: Be a successful writer- Work on your craft 1 hour a day and read 1 book a week on how to start a writing career. (Too overwhelming? Try blogging one a week and see if you even still enjoy writing before you devote too much time to it.)
3. Goal: Buy a house- Save 20% of every paycheck towards a down payment. (Too much? Try not buying coffee daily and put that money in a "house jar." Even small steps count towards your goal.)

I learned this tool from a recent IITAP conference I attended in Arizona and used it to create a vision of what I'd like my life to look like in 5 years. It was amazing to see a visual representation of what I want my life to be about someday. It really pointed out what's currently missing in my life now. Yet what I realized is that I want to do a vision board with my partner as well. After all, those in long-term serious relationships don't live in isolation. They are part of a team, a unit. Nearly all their decisions are made with someone (or more than one) person in mind. Creating a list of your dreams together using pictures (not words) on the outside of the circle with easy baby steps in the inside is empowering and can help you both to feel more connected. You're working together towards a common goal, not simply living parallel lives. I even had a coworker who put sticky notes in the inside of his vision board (inside the circle) so that after he accomplished those tasks, he could create new ones. Genius! Your Vision Board can be an ever-evolving thing. Perhaps you could even hang it on your wall for daily inspiration.

So next date night or lazy Sunday afternoon, instead of ordering Thai and watching yet another Redbox on the couch, create a vision board separately and maybe also together. It may not instantly grant you the life of your dreams, but it does put out into the universe the things you want to accomplish with your life. What are your priorities? What do you want to spend more time on? What things are you putting off for later?

It's one thing to dream, it's quite another to consciously make steps toward your goals. Be a little bit creative and whip out the scissors, old magazines and Crayola. Ask yourself, what is my vision for my (and our) life? And what can I do today to make that future a reality?

How to Stop Putting Yourself Down and Be Your Own Best Friend

How many times a day do you think you "should" have done something different than what you actually did? How many times do you feel guilty about something you didn't accomplish? How may times do you simply beat yourself up? (metaphorically of course) If you're like myself, the number is about 10-20 times. That's a lot of SHAME that we take in on a daily basis! It's toxic, like drinking poison. The sad truth is, unfortunately this is a pretty common phenomenon. We tend to focus on what we didn't do, said wrong, or forgot. Why do we do this? Why can't we applaud our successes instead of punishing ourselves for what we feel was not "good enough"?

Examples: I should have worked out, I forgot to answer that email, I didn't do my best at that meeting, I should have gone to bed earlier, I wish I had pushed myself harder at the gym, I looked bad today because I didn't spend enough time getting ready, I should be a better friend, I didn't handle that client well, I wasn't there for my kid, I forgot about that meeting...The list could go one forever.


The good news is there IS a way to stop being so hard on yourself. The way to do this is to treat yourself like you would treat someone that you truly cherish. Like your child, best friend, or beloved pet. Because honestly, you should cherish yourself. You are amazing, rare, capable and unique. You have to be your own cheerleader because no one will be able to change your life besides you. Not that your life even needs to change. It may be great as it is, and that's okay too. The point is, if you cannot be kind and loving to yourself, other people won't be either. In other words, if you are too harsh on yourself, you will put up with people treating you poorly because you think you deserve mistreatment. We get sucked into believing we aren't as good as everyone else. We compare ourselves to other people; constantly. Stop doing this! It will only bring you pain and keep you stuck.

Here are 5 simple, concrete steps towards ending the daily shame and guilt cycle:

• Tell yourself what you did well every day (take at least 1 minute to reflect on this; say when you're brushing your teeth at night)
• When looking in the mirror, point out a feature of yours you find attractive (do this while you do you brush your hair or put on makeup in the morning)
•  When you are struggling or about to lose patience for yourself, remember one of these four sentences: I did my best. It's not the end of the world. It will be okay. Tomorrow is another day. 
• When you feel yourself falling short of your goals, make them smaller and more specific. Instead of, "I will go workout for 1 hour 5 times a week," try, "I will do 20 minutes of walking today." This can even work for relationships. Instead of "I will be a better father," try, "I will sit with my son tonight before he goes to bed tonight." The old 12-step adage of "One day at a time" is so well-known because it works.
•  Smile at yourself at least once a day in the mirror. It may seem weird or forced but trust me, it honestly works to improve your self-esteem. Bonus points if you smile and give yourself a compliment. I even wink at myself! Yeah it's bit corny but it makes me feel good.

I hope everyone can read this and relate a little to feeling less-than. I know it's terrible to feel like you are stuck or keep making the same mistakes. We all are imperfect and flawed beings. We all struggle. Life is not often easy. So why make it worse by being that judgmental parent or controlling boss who always pointed out your flaws?  Why be the person who drags you down instead of lifting you up? Accept you are a changing, dynamic person who is that much wiser every time you make a mistake. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. You are more than worth it.